The Autistic Me

Yes, our lives continue to be "normal" middle-class suburban lives. We sometimes feel that there's too much happening, but then I listen to other couples and friends and realize how rather routine and uncomplicated our daily routines are. Many of my friends and neighbors are returning to school in their 30s and 40s. The job market, improving slowly, requires more and more educational achievement to advance. For me, this means considering an MFA in Film and Digital Technology to add to my existing MA and PhD. My struggles in the academic job market are not about autism or disability (though there is an element of "you don't conform to our norms"); the academic job market is badly broken. Our house still needs some work, and there are things I like to change. Again, many of our neighbors who have been in this new development for as long as we have don't have every box unpacked or every room painted. Apparently, it takes more than four years to move in...

Teaching is about reading, and sending, social signals. In some subjects, that's more problematic than in others. Math or science topics would probably be a good fit for my personality. But, as readers know, I took a wrong turn in my studies and ended up in the humanities. It is one thing to love the media and arts, and I do, but another to teach in them. I enjoy subjects that aren't easily taught -- subjects without clear answers. Granted, I also love science and probably should have pursued STEM fields professionally while keeping the arts my hobbies. Teaching business communications, I feel like a nonnative speaker. There is always room to improve, at least. I theorize that my struggles do help me teach. That belief helps me get through the semesters. Reading my teaching evaluations, it strikes me how often students experience something quite different from what I hoped to convey. They miss the humor I imagine is obvious, or hear humor when none is intended. They con...

A reader asks, "If you don't think about the autistic traits, what about your wife? They tend to notice what husbands fail to see in the mirror." Is my wife be more aware of my "autistic" traits than I am? Probably. I suppose the above is true of all friends and family in our lives. The people observing us probably do see us for whatever we are, more clearly than we can see ourselves. She knows how annoyed I get with myself, which might help her tolerate me a little more. I dislike how locked in I get to thoughts, how much I worry constantly about failing at things, how tense I get in various situations. She knows I don't like my sensitivities, my fears, and my general anxiety. My wife reminds me to accept my limits, though I hate those limits. She tries to maintain order and calm, knowing how much I hate disorder in my life. I don't like to be told the obvious though: my mind doesn't let go of things, even when I wish it could. She'll te...

After I speak to groups, one of the common questions, often in the form of an accusation or something, is, "Just how autistic are you? You seem so normal." Yes, seeming "normal" is how one survives and earns a living. Then again, be "abnormal" enough and you can also earn a living, but that's not the path I've decided to follow. On most days, probably 95 or more out of 100, I convince myself that I not only appear normal but that I am "normal" — or as normal as anyone else I know. But, on the difficult days or even during the difficult hours, I know I'm different. Recently, a colleague posted links to Facebook for two online "personality tests" that supposedly measure autistic traits. I've taken both before, and I recall the ASQ score was 42. But, I was curious and answered the questionnaires again. If you believe such things (and I question their validity), the answer to how autistic I am… very. As for the A...

Someone sent me a note asking why I didn't participate in National Autistics Speaking Day. The simple truth is, I'm not home on Tuesdays and don't have much time for anything outside my university duties on that day. I teach until 9 p.m. and don't get home until late. I thought about writing something a day or two earlier, but I'm swamped with university projects, teaching, freelance writing, and a never-ending series of household-related tasks. I'm more than a little overwhelmed lately. I have to fit in a surgery this month, too, while staying somewhat on track. So, here are my thoughts for "Autistics Speaking" as I glance at my new dry-erase board featuring a list of to-do items: 1. I am a "success" neither because of nor in spite of my "autistic" traits. I am a success because my wife, parents, extended family, and friends help me and I try to help them when I can. Success is a team effort, whether you're "normal...

There are people I consider mental health hypochondriacs. They read a list of "symptoms" and self-diagnose themselves with everything from attention deficits to autism disorders. If there's a way to excuse a lack of success, self-control, organization, healthy relationships, and general contentment, these people will find it in a book or on a Web site. Worse, we have parents and teachers labeling students in ways that might end up doing real harm to future generations. I'll offer the standard disclaimer: I do believe there are disorders and conditions affecting a lot of students. I also admit that some might be more common than in the past — might be, but not necessarily are. What qualifies me to say this? Aren't I being a hypocrite if I'm accepting the label of "autistic" and writing about my experiences? Blunt answer: I was seriously injured during birth. I do not doubt my medical history is being overlaid with current trends in psyc...

As I compile my notes for essays and a book, I realize how much easier it is to be considered "different" your entire life versus a late-in-life diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. The more I read about and communicate with AS students and adults, the more I appreciate their unique experiences. I was never considered normal, so my eccentricities were tolerated. Independent study was offered more than once, which I loved. When you are perceived as perfectly normal, I imagine things must be more difficult. No one believes you when you complain about sounds, smells, textures, or colors. You're considered moody or depressed. Any difficulties in class are confused with learning disabilities or ADD. At least no one expected normalcy from me.