The Autistic Me

The wedding vows are complete - you may now kiss the bride. (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) When I talk to groups, the three lines of questions are generally: school , workplace, and relationship . There are plenty of books and experts on the school issues. Plenty of debates, too. Whatever you want to believe, there's probably an "expert" with that opinion. As an educator, I have plenty to say on the subject of school and being different. As with school, there is an abundance of expert opinion for parents, educators, and autistics regarding success in the workplace. Again, I have strong opinions and most of those are related to the social aspects of school and work dominating our culture. "Emotional intelligence" is given too much weight, in my view, as we judge introverts , creative individualists, and anyone not charming as being somehow defective. We've made introversion a disability — or at least a professional liability. But, the questions tha...

English: Love question (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) Visitors have asked why the blog doesn't deal more with personal issues like romance, marriage, children. There's not much to "teach" other people. My advice to autistics is to stop trying to please everyone else and find your own social network. In that social network, you might (or might not) find friendships and love. If you don't have friends, you definitely won't find love. I am a believer in friendships helping us cope with life. Before I removed the Q&A section on the blog site, the majority of questions I received were about relationships / dating. Basically, "How can my son / daughter have a 'normal' social life and find love?" I tired of the question because 1) there is no one answer and 2) many of the autistics corresponding with me hated the pressure to find "love" and didn't want parental help with romance! Though I have a short ebook available on t...

I was recently asked whatever happened to my planned update to Spectrum of Relationships . The simple answer: I have been distracted by more interesting (to me) things and didn't really push to get the book updated. I'm not nearly as involved in autism advocacy in Pennsylvania as I was in Minnesota. I don't speak to groups, I'm not connected to any schools or service providers, and I don't receive the same volume of questions. The lack of engagement means I don't feel the same need to gather my thoughts for autistics, their families, and care providers. There are plenty of books on autism. Maybe there are too many. Yes, my book should be updated, and it might happen someday, but other projects that offered more feedback captured my attention and energies. The first edition was (is) mediocre. I know it needs to be better. But, without much feedback, I don't perceive the demand for a new edition. Maybe I'll get back to work on the book this fal...

Hanging out with friends seems to be something that most of my Facebook "friends" do on a weekly basis. Some seem to be hanging out nightly. They are the social butterflies I sometimes envy, because social skills matter personally and professionally. I don't get random emails, messages, or phone calls from people asking, "What are you doing tonight?" I can't recall the last personal, non-work message, that was not initiated by me. People don't reach out to me without a reason. Several people have said I make others uncomfortable one-on-one. Lecturing? Public speaking? Those are not a problem. But there is something "off" with my interpersonal skills. Even if I had great social skills, I would I spend time alone so I could write and be creative. I know socially adept introverts. Wanting space doesn't mean you are socially awkward. Of course, I am so socially inept and an introvert. So, on the rare occasions when I do want to hang ou...

When I'm asked to speak or answer email questions about sex, my first question is: "What about relationships? Friendship? Dating?" I don't understand the interest in "sex" without exploring the social skills that (typically) lead to sexual encounters. My personal opinion, however old-fashioned, is that we should encourage relationships and the skills necessary to maintain those relationships. The challenge is that sexual activity has always and will always occur outside relationships, so we need to balance the need to educate students with the need to encourage more healthy interpersonal connections. I've had autistic young people and adults tell me, "I want sex." What about relationships? "I don't know. Maybe. But I want sex." It's hard to explain to a college student aware of "hook-ups" among peers that those casual sexual adventures are still complex social interactions. I hear my students talk about ...

English: Temple Grandin at a book signing at Rochester Community and Technical College in Rochester, Minnesota (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) Autism support specialist Heather Conroy ( http://www.hconroyconsulting.com ) and I are working on several short "pocket guides" for young adults on the autism spectrum. Our first guide, which we hope to have to publishers later this year, deals with sexuality and relationship in a frank (blunt!) way. While I strongly disagree with some claims in this article, I have dealt with autistics (male and female ) with obsessive online habits (usually gaming, but often in other ways, too). Stories like the following are why our book and others are needed by autistics, families, and support providers: Autism and Child Pornography: A Toxic Combination - The Daily Beast Aug 5, 2013 4:45 AM EDT  It’s a disturbing trend we cannot ignore. Eustacia Cutler, mother of autism advocate Temple Grandin, on why autistic men are viewing child pornogr...

English: Romance icon (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) The Autism Society conference, recently concluded in Pittsburgh, PA. During the conference, I appeared on a panel that dealt with general life issues. After the panel, parents and young adults approached me with questions. Every question, without exception, dealt with relationships. Nothing about education, careers, or life skills. No, every question was about relationships, from friendships to dating and beyond. Though a great number of books have now appeared, including several on dating, love, and sexuality, there seems to be an endless demand for answers. If not answers, families and individuals at least want to discuss these issues. As I've written before, I'm not sure what I can contribute to these discussions. I still believe some basic guides to dating and relationships are better than the "autistic" guides. Relationships are complex for everyone, or those bookshelves wouldn't be packed in every bo...

People are curious about relationships and autism; the questions asked most often when I appear before groups are about relationships. I've attempted to answer a few questions on this blog, but I never feel like I'm offering many insights. In a world in which most marriages fail and relationships seem to be transitory, I don't believe we can "blame" autistic traits for relationship issues. What we can do is recognize how autism and other forms of atypical neurology/personality do affect us and our relationships. Still, I caution readers that what I am offering is more general than "autism" and probably applies to every relationship at some time. Caveats stated, I believe the greatest challenge in my relationship with my wife is the sense that I'm unworthy of her friendship, loyalty, and companionship. The Susan is calmer, quieter, more focused, a faster reader, a better student, a much better employee… and on and on when compared to me. She has ...

Love (Photo credit: praram ) My wife and I were discussing the fact that many of the adults with autism spectrum disorders I've met are, forgive me, but obsessed with finding love. It seems "love" is an overriding concern to them. This interest in love didn't seem like the interest in dating I've heard among other groups. No, this is a quest for "love" as if there isn't a (few) steps between meeting and love. Two of the self-described "Aspies" I've met were asking me to help because they were accused of stalking on college campuses. They both told me they were trying to let girls know they wanted to date because they were in love. Someone needed to explain meeting people, dating, and what "love" is — and what it is not. It turns out, they really didn't know what was "acceptable" and what was "unacceptable" when trying to meet someone and/or ask that person on a date. Polite rejections were n...

Question: You and your wife seem to have a good relationship. I worry that my child isn't going to find love, since he struggles with friendships. He's an Aspie, and says he wants to have a girlfriend. What should I tell him? I don't worry about sex, since he doesn't date, but maybe he will. Any thoughts? I am not the best person to answer questions about relationships. I don't know what "normal" is for anyone, autistic or not. I've had brief discussions about this with some of the more well-known autistic adults. Some have said they simply don't think about relationships. They have friends, but they don't really think about connections. If you don't have a desire for friends, I cannot imagine you have a desire for love. Others, however, have indicated they really, really long for a romantic connection. Then, I've met autistics who are hypersexual, but they don't seem to realize that sex isn't love or even friendship. My ...

I'm revising my eBook, A Spectrum of Relationships, and plan to release this major update exclusively in the iBook format. I'm trying to decide what is or isn't worth adding to the book beyond more text. The format is going to allow me to include additional features, if I decide to do so. As for the text, I'm going to expand the workplace section as I try to develop rules and guidelines based on my experiences. Parents, educators, and young people with ASDs have asked me many questions about the workplace — though I'm not sure I have any great answers on the topic. Maybe it helps to know we have some shared experiences as we navigate into the "real world" and work. Other sections need to be expanded, as well. I rushed through the sections on dating and relationships because those are the least comfortable topics. I am glad I don't need to date, having a wonderful wife, and marriage is difficult for everyone. I'll still expand the text as much...

A Facebook fan — and thanks to everyone following us on FB and Twitter — asked if I could address problems with "fitting in" with same-age peers. A good topic, and a difficult one. The challenge is that there are two different "stages" I'm learning about among autistic individuals. As children, many high-functioning autistics seem to deal better with adults. As adults, the opposite seems to be the case, with autistics relating better to children. The challenges make sense, though, as I will explain. As a child, the individual with Asperger's or any "high-functioning" ASD diagnosis is likely drawn to concrete thinking, pattern recognition, and might be an "expert" on a few subjects of special interest. Compared to his or her peers, the autistic seems "advanced" because some skills we associate with greater chronological ages appear early. These are not social skills, however. The interest in topics and things, compared to ...

If you haven't purchased A Spectrum of Relationships , this month is a great time to do so. Following the surprise flooding of our home's lower level, we had to spend a bit of money. While I know my little eBook isn't going to cover more than a fraction of the surprise expenses, I figured it couldn't hurt to try a BIG SALE  approach to help out a bit. $0.99 SALE: A Spectrum of Relationships Kindle Owners, Click for Amazon . For Nook Users, use Barnes and Noble . That's right, for less than a dollar you can learn about one autistic adult's experiences with relationships at school, work, and beyond. I offer advice on how to deal with various situations and how friends and family can support an autistic teen or adult struggling with interpersonal relationships. I'm only going to keep this price for a few weeks, and then the price will return to $2.99 per copy. I want to thank everyone who has purchased copies of A Spectrum of Relationships  over ...

For the first time in many, many years, things feel somewhat "right" in life. Not great, since I'm still dealing with the loss of J.C. Kitty and the stress of missing my wife until she can join us permanently. But, things are better than they have been in almost two decades. My wife is the most important person in my life, and the last decade has been anything but fair and good to her. Our relationship imploded for a time, in no small part because doctors (of both the medical and mental health variety) had little clue how to address physical and neurological issues. For most of the time we've known each other, I've never felt like I deserved her as a friend, much less as a companion. I wanted her to be happy — and I doubted very much that I could give her the life she deserved. We've lost a fair amount of time and money trying to earn enough to live. I dreamed of earning enough to "pay her back" for all she did. Instead, we went backwards. A comp...

In a post that was a private reflection, moved off the main page, I mentioned "the mediocre people." I've been pondering this concept and believe it needs some clarification that might be of interest to most of my readers. The Mediocre are not defined by their education levels, incomes, faiths, political beliefs, genders, races, or any number of other categories. Oxford American Dictionary : 1. of only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate. 2. rather poor or inferior. Merriam-Webster : moderate or low, poor quality. Of a poor to middling character. What is "poor character" to me? It means you are not a role model. It means you aren't one of the good or great people. Maybe The Mediocre don't try. Maybe they don't care. But they are what they are. Most of the good and great people I know are from humble backgrounds. They are farmers, nurses, librarians, police officers, farm workers, mechanics, and many other profess...

Inadvertent disclosure happens, I was reminded tonight. Because I've been on the road, I've been using several email accounts, usually based on which "webmail" solution was working best. What I forgot was that my Yahoo account was being used primarily for autism mailing lists and groups, not for anything else. So, by using my Yahoo email, the signature with links to this blog was included. Now, a mailing list that has nothing to do with autism has links to this blog. An interesting question arises, and one I'm not sure how to address — or if it is worth addressing. I do know that at least two people followed the link from my email to the blog, but no idea which two. That does matter, since some people are more understanding than others. I believe most of the men and women on that list would understand traumatic brain injuries, such as occurred at my birth, along with the other injuries that might (and only might) contribute to the traits categorized as HFA. Other...

Today, A Spectrum of Relationships appeared in the Kindle Store on Amazon. The text is $2.99 and is only available in digital format. We have uploaded the ePub edition to another eReader store. It should be available by July 8 for $2.99 via the  Nook store. I'll be certain to post that link, too. Product Description A Spectrum of Relationships explores the social connections teens and adults with autism spectrum disorders (ASDs) form with other people in their lives. The author, C. S. Wyatt, reflects on his own experiences as a diagnosed high-functioning autistic individual navigating the complex and sometimes frustrating social situations of daily life. From early classroom experiences to dating and marriage, this book discusses relationships with family, friends, classmates, coworkers, and lovers. Children with autism spectrum disorders grow up to be adults with ASDs. Many, if not most, will have the same urges, impulses, and desires as the rest of the adult populati...

My wife and I are currently revising A Spectrum of Relationships, which is a guide to social connections for teens and adults with ASDs. The last chapter deals with romantic relationships. Because this book is a broad overview of social situations and not a dating guide, we decided to include only a few short sections on physical relationships. Many of the questions I do receive following public appearances do deal with sexuality and romance. I know there are some texts on autism and sexuality, but I am wondering if I should prepare a separate book on those matters. Writing about sexuality is a challenge because I don't believe there are "norms" of sexuality that can be neatly organized along autistic / non-autistic lines. We can discuss studies of human sexuality and surveys of opinion on the physical and emotional aspects of relationships, but there is a lot of variety among all people. I have included a section in A Spectrum of Relationships on how some autistics repor...

Work on A Spectrum of Relationships is continuing. The book on autism and relationships should be available via Amazon sometime in July. The challenge has been adding content that has value for families and autistic individuals. Also, the book can only serve a small segment of the autism community, since by definition only some autistic people want and seek social connections. We also have to admit to ourselves that some autistic children with severe cognitive impairments might make some progress with early interventions, but they will always face social limitations. Several people wanted me to address the "full spectrum" in the book. That isn't possible, at least not in a single book. Really, the most affected children, teens, and adults require highly specialized supports that are beyond what a book can offer. The best advice I can offer to families of those with the most debilitating mix of physical, intellectual, and emotional impairments is to sit down with experts a...

Today, my wife and I celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary. We were married in a small ceremony (our parents and my sister) in my parents' backyard on a nice spring day in 2006. Instead of a long litany of every challenge we've faced, and there are many, I want to celebrate who she is and what makes her so special. Let's start with the blunt, honest, and often painful acknowledgement that unlike many of the children and teens I meet when speaking, I have been fortunate enough to meet someone, care for her, and to be cared for by her. Some autism self-advocates forget how rare it is for autistic people to form lasting bonds with a life partner. For reasons ranging from physical challenges to cognitive ones, some autistic people will never have the opportunity I have to be with a great friend and partner. Also, there are those autistics with no desire for life-long romantic relationships. Parents tell me that they can't imagine a teen with no interest in romance. ...