The Autistic Me

Some books and noted speakers make the case that academia is one of the better career paths for autistic adults capable of completing the required education. I'm unconvinced this is good advice for anyone, much less autistic individuals. Let me begin with the academic job market. Even within STEM fields, which have lower unemployment and better prospects in general, the academic job market is lousy. Data show too many post-doctoral workers and too many professors in these fields, while demand is high in private industry. Because industry now engages in research, especially in fields with perceived imminent returns such as automation, it might be wise to pursue private industry positions. Cuts to science funding at the state and federal levels also make the sciences a difficult market within academia. University posts exist only when research funding is secure and plentiful. When there are too few funding sources, universities and colleges quickly shift the teaching of undergra...

I completed my doctorate in June 2010. It is now June 2015. Five year after earning the doctorate, there's little to show for it. I have taught, but at my last post I was not on the tenure track and that is unlikely now. I might be a lecturer or adjunct here and there, but that's not the career I imagined. It's also not the path my wife had imagined, and certainly not the path that we went into debt for, yet again. Yes, I've applied for teaching jobs. No, I don't really want them, but teaching is the only thing I seem to be able to do, in part because of the schedule. Unfortunately, my degree choices weren't the wisest. The doctorate was an accomplishment, but to what end I don't know anymore. My wife needs stability. She likes routines and order as much as I do. We both hate any reminders that we are powerless. We organize our spaces, because that is something we can do. Unfortunately, we can organize books and things, but not my career. We won'...

Hamerschlag Hall is one of the principal teaching facilities of the Carnegie Institute of Technology (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) For the 2014-15 academic year, my title will be "Visiting Assistant Teaching Professor of Business Communication." Reading this long title on my contract, I considered how labels and titles, beyond "disabled" and whatnot, shape how people view us. And so, an analysis: Visiting: not expected to remain; a guest; a traveler heading elsewhere. Assistant: working to aid others. Teaching: responsible for educating, with any research duties subordinate. Professor: respected for past academic accomplishments. Business Communication: specializing in workplace communication, instead of academic discourse. The full title implies my role is to teach classes in the business school so other professors can focus on research. It is a temporary post, one that many scholars hold at an institution before locating a permanent position. ...

In Study, MRI Scan 90% Accurate Identifying Autism The full story cautions that this is merely one study, but it is interesting. From the story on CNN's website: Scientists are finding more pieces of the autism puzzle of with the help of MRI scans of brain circuitry, according to a study published Thursday online in the journal Autism Research. By scanning the brain for 10 minutes using magnetic resonance imaging, researchers were able to measure six physical differences of microscopic fibers in the brains of 30 males with confirmed high-functioning autism and 30 males without autism. The images of the brains helped researchers correctly identify those with autism with 94 percent accuracy, says Nicholas Lange, an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and one of the study authors. "No one has measured what we measured," says Lange of the MRI test he and Dr. Janet Lainhart from the University of Utah developed. While previous studies using different ty...

This is not my usual post -- but I received my Univ. of Minnesota Alumni Magazine today and am annoyed. My Ph.D. is from Minnesota, and it is no secret I do not like the institution. My bias definitely affects my general attitude when reading anything linked to UMN. That out of the way… And although Lovaas later refined his therapy, eliminating the use of shock and physical punishments to develop what is now known as Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA)—the treatment that helped Joe Mohs—his reputation was irreparably damaged by the article, which critics of ABA still cite when decrying the treatment as cruel. I dislike how many therapists approach ABA-based therapies. I've seen therapy sessions that drag on for hours. I consider that cruel, simply because who wouldn't cave to demands after hours? I associate it with an interrogation technique. Repeat again and again, "I saw Martians." Eventually, you cave, like Orwell's Winston Smith in 1984. The professors at Minne...

I am sick and tired of the "Bill Gates has AS" and "Big Bang Theory is about a group of people with ASDs" lines of advocates who think they are helping. And yes, I've mentioned this to the other Ph.D.s with autism… of which I am one. It is rare to be a genius or a great artist or a professor. It is rare to be on the Fortune 400 or to be performing on Broadway. Autism is not a superpower. It is a difference. I've met people with AS and PDD-NOS diagnoses who feel horrible about themselves because they aren't "smart like Temple or special like Tammet." The reality is, few people are! We should not be making people feel guilty for not living up to a mythology. Only ten percent of people with any form of autism display savant abilities. Ten percent. Yes, that his much higher than the general public, but it is still one in ten, not three-fourths, on half, or even a quarter of people with ASDs. And those of us with "special talents" are not...

I had written a long reflection on the job hunt (better an essay some day) as I finished preparing yet another portfolio to send to a state university. I found myself focused on a comment from a search committee member. "You aren't anything like Christopher in The Curious Incident. Are you sure you're autistic? You clearly got over it." That's a rough paraphrase, leaving out the various comparisons the professor made. At least two other faculty made similar observations, including, "So, is this like your trip to London?" Ever like a book but wish it didn't exist? I'm starting to dislike the novel, even though I found the structure interesting to study. So, that's what "Rhetoric" (New Media) thinks of autism. A few math savants and some fictional characters… who also happen to be math savants. There is much more behind why the job hunt is exhausting. Having to deal with faculty biases and expectations adds to the stress and frustrati...

I am on track to receive my Ph.D formally this April or May, depending on university paperwork processing. The dissertation is done, approved by my adviser, and only minor edits remain. The university bureaucracy is certainly navigable, though it is essential to have extra copies of every form on file. Now, I am on the job market as a "Ph.D Pending" (dissertation submitted). As I have previously stated, I am exiting most autism-related research after this academic year. I will continue to write and express my own views, but I have no interest in focusing the next 20 or more years of my life on autism. The debates, mistrust, and even hatred are too much for me to tolerate. The universities with which I have interviewed are hiring writing, new media, and visual design professors. One post includes the potential of teaching a graphical novel seminar, while another is primarily theatre and "rhetoric of performance" in media studies. In a tough, competitive job market, i...

I turned my dissertation draft in to my adviser shortly before Christmas. I am now waiting for suggestions, which will then allow me to finish the dissertation in January. If all goes according to plan, I will be done with my doctorate by April. The journey through graduate school will finally be over. There were false starts in the past. Failed attempts at M.Ed programs, when I hoped to return to teaching high school. One failed attempt at a journalism degree, which simply proved to be bad timing for me physically. Now, though, I have completed my M.A. in English and my Ph.D work in Rhetoric. It was a long, long journey. I count at least four attempts at a master's before I finally finished a program. Finishing was important because it finally meant I could teach full-time, at the community college level. My wife and my academic adviser were both equally responsible for my success. I needed her to keep me working through the rough times when I wanted to quit. I needed an adviser w...

The research for my dissertation indicates many individuals with autism disorders and/or savant abilities view language in terms of patterns and rules. This results in the "stilted" usage, the "little professor" forms of writing and speech. I'm wondering how this also challenges basic assumptions of learning and language. I love patterns. Root words and basic grammar appeal to me. I wish language were more like computer programming, in which a keyword or key phrase has a single meaning and single purpose. No one doubts you can be creative and original with computers, though they are linguistically rigid. The study of Latin would intrigue me for the same reason. Rules are rules. Esperanto also comes to mind. No wonder Tammet and others like to construct languages with rules and patterns. I used to create alphabets and languages -- I even have notebooks with my ideas from fourth and fifth grade. Rules are great because they reduce confusion. Just some thoughts as ...

Time magazine has two stories on autism diagnostic rates. One report is on a careful census of adults, trying to determine if there is a real difference between generations. The second report is on a telephone survey that shows a sudden spike in rates based on poorly worded questions. I never trust phone surveys -- they have numerous validity issues. Article 1: For the First Time, a Census of Autistic Adults By CLAUDIA WALLIS Saturday, Oct. 03, 2009 On Sept. 22, England's National Health Service (NHS) released the first study of autism in the general adult population. The findings confirm the intuitive assumption: that ASD is just as common in adults as it is in children. Researchers at the University of Leicester, working with the NHS Information Center found that roughly 1 in 100 adults are on the spectrum — the same rate found for children in England, Japan, Canada and, for that matter, New Jersey. Article 2: New Study Sees a Higher Rate of Autism: Is the Jump Real? By...

My doctoral committee is meeting next week as I head towards completion of my dissertation in the coming months. The focus of my final dissertation revision is changing slightly to accommodate my new plans in life. Originally, my focus was on language acquisition, especially written language, among individuals with autism. I adjusted my research to study secondary and post-secondary students with autism and their struggles with written language. Now, I'm going to shift away from that emphasis to focus more on creative writing. I am fascinated by fMRI images and studies of neurolinguistics. I have immersed myself in the science and theory of linguistics, from neural network theories to combination theories. The brain is an amazing thing. But, it is time to leave such things behind for my own sanity. My Ph.D is going to be in "Rhetoric, Scientific and Technical Communication," I have added a specialty in general writing pedagogy so I might teach creative writing...

This week there is a major national conference on campus, sponsored by the academic department in which I (in theory) reside. However, either I missed the announcements or didn't understand them earlier this academic year. So, while other graduate students and instructors are meeting administrators from across the nation, I will be doing other things. I'm not sure if that's a positive or a negative. Honestly, I wasn't sure about my schedule this summer, so I probably would not have volunteered to help at the conference or registered to present a paper. In fact, I did have a medical procedure last week that included minor surgery and a biopsy. I knew that summer would be busy. On the negative side, I do realize networking and making contacts is important. The problem is that I am never comfortable in social settings. I do much better with a formal interview than trying to make a good impression in an unstructured setting. Since I am looking for a professorship next year ...

I have been very sore and sensitive for the last few weeks. My back, legs, and hands ache. Unfortunately, this drains me of any ability to deal with things I dislike. Trying to start a cultivator, also known as a tiller, I yanked too hard just as the starting cable seized. This pulled my shoulder, ripped skin from my middle finger, and caused a shooting back spasm. I was already tense and unhappy with progress on the house, so this left me even more tense, more anxious, about the yard and house. I don't like where we live. I hate being semi-urban, living within Minneapolis. The disorder of urban life is hard on my senses, as it is. The fact our yard is yet one more thing that's disgustingly incomplete annoys me. We've already made plans to have the garage painted. The crew will prep it, let us repair some of the wood, and then it will be painted white. I am at least glad it is one less thing we will need to do. I hate seeing the peeling paint, rotted wood, split...

I have too many interests, or I have too little time. Maybe both are true. When do people finish projects? The writing is piling up, a long backlog of things I hope to complete. I'm hoping this summer is all about finishing things, so I can start the next projects. I need a better routine, more focus on each project. I need a "one at a time" approach, instead of the scattershot one of my brain. I flitter about, story to story, project to project, leaving far too many incomplete stories in my wake. I want time to paint, to play music, to write... all while doing the things I must for school. Home renovations also have to be completed before we can sell the house and move onward in life. Then, there are the computer projects I'd like to tackle. Far too many ideas. Maybe once I'm done with the education, I can focus on writing like other professors. It's a dream. Plus, once I am teaching somewhere, the creative projects will carry some weight. ...

Once I earn my degree and escape Minnesota, I am going to do every thing I can to reset myself and my path in life. Since elementary school, I have wanted to be full-time writer. While I have an interest in different forms, from reporting to dramatic writing, I always view writing as a way to inform and educate a mass audience. I don't see the same divisions between reporting and creative writing that my professors saw. In fact, it's clear that journalism is changing... and a lot of great reporters did write with a creative flair before the 1970s. I'm not even sure what I will do with my degree. It's supposed to open doors, in theory. "I have Ph.D form a writing / communications program. You should publish me." Okay, maybe that's not the exact pitch, but it was meant to help. Plus, in theory it gives me the ability to teach -- thereby funding my writing time. Honestly, I want to sit and write. I want to string words together in such a manner as...

In several earlier posts I have noted systemic failures at the University of Minnesota. In August, 2006, my misadventures began. By the end of September, my position in the Writing Center ended in disaster and a complaint to the university relating to the experience. The university has been less and less welcoming with each new semester. The university is nothing like my experiences at Fresno State or my initial studies at USC. My classroom studies in English and journalism at USC were relatively uneventful. (Problems at USC were limited to one person in the School of Education, after I completed my undergraduate studies.) Fresno State went relatively well, too, with a 4.0 GPA and my only issues involving paperwork nonsense that occurs everywhere. I was never “disabled” at USC. I was only listed as disabled at Fresno State after having issues walking across the campus in a timely fashion. I am slow, especially when my back and legs hurt. Still, this was a minor issue and the university...

Thanks to a complete breakdown in the University's system and a professor I will never forgive, I endured a trip to the Office for Student Conduct and Academic Integrity . It was a stupid situation and far too much for my system. Before the meeting I was already in sorry shape. This is a meeting that should never have been held if anyone at the university cared about my health. I knew it would be damaging. Susan ended up meeting with the office representative, leaving me alone in a room. Alone, while other people talked about me. Alone, with too much on my mind. Alone… desperately wanting to go home. By the time Susan returned to the room, my knuckles on both hands were bleeding. I had scraped the skin by pounding rhythmically on the floor. I'm not exactly sure how I ended up sitting on the floor, under a table, exhausted. My back was bruised, badly, from rocking against a brick wall with external power conduits. This absolutely stupid meeting left me bloody, bruised, and sore....

I was told to edit this for “tone” but it says what I want it to say. I am tired of being told to be patient, that “now” isn’t the time to be angry. Now is definitely the time to be demanding action. I should have been a lot more proactive a lot earlier. Waiting was pointless. I came to the University of Minnesota’s Dept. of Rhetoric thanks to a DOVE (Diversity of Views and Experiences) Fellowship. My wife and I relocated from California because we had the impression the department and university would be inviting, supportive, and, most of all, a place where I would not be excluded due to differences. It should be no secret to anyone that my fellowship and my studies are the result of a severe brain trauma. I have talked to many of my peers and some faculty about the injuries and their consequences. I never hide the following conditions: Palsy and partial paralysis from neurological damage; Six years in a body brace for spinal damage; Chronic pain, migraines, and hypersensitivity t...

It would be an understatement to write that my time in Minnesota has been a challenge. After this most miserable, humiliating week, I spent today wondering if I am capable of finishing my university program. My self-doubt and self-criticism were familiar to me, and to my wife. It is depressing, for lack of a better word, to feel isolated from the university, my peers, and even my instructors. When a professor or a peer seems to dismiss me, I need to rebuild myself. I need to prove to myself that I am not worthless simply because I lack social skills. I should not be ignored simply because my mind is so atypical. My wife, loving and caring person that she is, reminds me that others do benefit from my existence. My words do help other people. My impulse to say what I think might shock and even offend, but maybe what I am driven to express needs to be said by someone like me. I do become defensive, in order to salvage my own sense of worth. I need to remind myself that I am not o...