The Autistic Me

"Smile," the photographer kept directing me. "I am," I kept replying. "Look at the girls and smile." "I am. How could I not be smiling?" On the way home, our five-year-old foster daughter asked why Daddy can't smile. I smiled. Or so I thought. My wife finally explained, "If Daddy can't see his face, his brain thinks he's smiling but he isn't. He has to really work at it. It's called paralysis. The doctor broke Daddy, remember?" And in that moment, I had a flashback to an annual review meeting when a department chair said I didn't smile or seem happy and probably wasn't a good fit within the program. It was the start of a very rapid decline at that job. Everything I hate about being judged by social skills. My voice, my facial expressions, my gestures… so many things I try to control yet fail to control properly. When we tell autistics or other disabled people they need to "Be happy...

Navigating school requires social skills, and often the most successful academically are also successful socially. Despite the stereotypes of jocks and nerds, geeks and goths, consider actual data. To participate in athletics, a minimum GPA is required. I recall the star athletes from my high school and today those individuals are doctors, lawyers, and teachers. They were involved in student government, and later joined organizations at their colleges and universities. The "privileged" students had time to participate in sports, music, drama, and student government. They were raised in reasonably secure and successful households. They understood the rules of high school and, later, the universities. The balanced academic and social skills, leading to academic and professional success for themselves after high school. The student who can feign admiration for a teacher or professor? She does well, for some reason. Teaching assistants at the university particularly see...

Networking is part of developing a career. This is true of any career, including that of writer / scholar. If you want someone to publish or produce your works, you have to be social. You have to be known. Yes, there are exceptions to this rule, artists able to succeed without social skills, but generally you cannot escape the demand to network. Playwrights and screenwriters are invited to social "mixers" with potential producers, directors, and the like. We are expected to pitch our ideas and somehow collaborate well despite many of us preferring solitary creativity. I've skipped most local events for the last two years. I simply cannot bear to be in social settings, much less tolerate the drive towards the city. The cost of my lack of interaction with others: no productions. No readings. Nothing. If you aren't "out there" with something in hand, as well as attending the shows of other writers, you aren't going to be produced. Again, there are ...

As September ended I was involved in what seemed to be a minor traffic accident. I was rear-ended while driving our 18-year-old Jeep Cherokee. Unfortunately, the accident was too much for the Jeep: the frame was bent by the impact. The Jeep was the "real" last Cherokee Classic. Not a Sport. Not cheap decals of the model name. A 4.0L in-line six-cylinder 4-by-4 we took off-road and used for everything. It hauled furniture, cats, trees, bikes, friends, and family. Over the 18 years, it was like a family member. We knew it couldn't last forever, especially since moving to states with salted roads in the winter. But, we wanted it to keep running for another two or three years. Losing the Jeep is weird. I knew how it should sound. I knew how the steering and braking should feel. I could recognize its engine when my wife drove it to and from work. Now, it's sitting in a lot, waiting to be hauled away to an unceremonious ending. It doesn't seem fair, for some...

If I could, I would write full-time. That is what I want, and what I have dreamed of since first grade. To be a professional writer.  Teaching seemed like a good way to support writing. But, no luck with that approach.  Under-employed or unemployed, whatever I am about to be is everything I've hated about life since I left my undergraduate college in early 1991. Each time I dream of a stable, "normal" future, one with a career that allows for some order in life, the job goes sideways and my plans disintegrate. Attempts to create my own career have ended badly, too, for various reasons. No excuses: I simply am not good at the soft skills needed for success. I've worked on those skills, but they never develop. I am lousy at understanding people, and I lack the superior tech skills or proper degree to overcome that shortcoming. I can program, manage databases, configure Web servers, but I'm not the next app wizard. I never mastered OS X / iOS programming...

Since completing my doctorate, I haven't had a compelling reason to read much about the psychology of autism. When I read scholarly articles in psychology, they tend to be connected to economics or politics. You might imagine that economics and policy, so connected to rhetoric and persuasion, would delve into empathy with some depth, but most behavioral economics I read is macro in nature. Even psychology texts about business, including suggestions that traits of sociopathy are common in banking, don't discuss types of empathy in great detail. Recently, though, a comment posted about writing fiction and autism led me search out scholarship on cognitive and affective empathy. The research I located indicates cognitive empathy is impaired among study subjects with autism, and self-cognition is also impaired. Emotional, affective empathy is the same as or more entente than that of control subjects in some studies, too. So here is the challenge with writing that I was t...

Your disability does not give you the right to be a jerk. This isn't going to please some advocates, but I am tired of people willing to exploit their challenges to get their way and push others around in the workplace, in school, or in public settings. Jerks exist, with and without special needs, and I am convinced that a jerk is a jerk, period, but one willing to use a challenge to gain leverage does harm to the cause of advocates and other disabled people. I'll be the first to admit that some people will judge those of us asking for any accommodations as jerks. I've been told that it isn't fair or isn't reasonable if I ask for a trackball instead of a mouse or if I ask for an office lamp (or bring my own) so I can dim the overhead fluorescent bulbs. I get that asking for anything different leads some coworkers to feel you're getting special treatment. That's also why I believe workspaces should be flexible, so everyone can create whatever space work...

As readers know, blogging frequency varies with live events and schedules. This semester, my schedule allows little time for blogging — or even taking much needed breaks to recharge my body and mind. The list of activities remains long, as always. I've mentioned my to-do list many times on this blog and the list never seems to shorten. Don't misunderstand: I love teaching and the opportunity to teach extra courses enables my wife and me to pay down some debts and create a little safety net. But, an overload means no time for blogging, creative writing, gardening, or other hobbies. Forget projects I've long wanted to complete. For any teacher, three or more hours of lecturing and office hours without a break would be exhausting. It is draining to "perform" for 90 students, 30 per class, three days a week (MWF). The classes have personalities, too, which are difficult for me to interpret and address some days. The other two days, I teach one 80-minute class...

Ignoring people isn't something I can do. There is no "polite mode" with my lack of executive function. If someone is a jerk, I tell the person, at that moment. That's something non-autistics never quite grasp, either. My wife has known me for 30 years and forgets that I have no mental editor. Unfortunately, I also relive moments, visually and aurally, for years after the incident. It is a mental film loop, playing repeatedly every day of my life. It is unpleasant, especially since one bad moment with a person or group is the moment that sticks with me for decades. If someone is rude, insulting, or cruel, that person has become a life-long miserable memory that can be triggered by the slightest thing. So, the best option is to avoid potential jerks.

When I was young, I wanted to be an adult. I related more to my teachers than to other students as early as first and second grade. I was interested in current events, the stock market, and science. I was an outsider among my peers. Now, I relate more to young people than to my peers. It is not an intellectual connection, but I wonder if my emotionally development stalled out at the mental age of 20-something. I was emotionally 25 at ten, and 26 emotionally in my 40s. That would be an interesting phenomena. Stuck in a narrow emotional range? Being aware that something is wrong, different about me, is a strange sensation. Do others experience this odd out of synch sensation?

One of the questions I was asked this week was how colleges should deal with autistic students who are too tethered to their parents. A college advisor explained to me that she has met too many students on the autism spectrum living on campus who rush home every weekend, and sometimes during the week, instead of making the transition to independent living. "The parents make matters even worse. They call us, they call residential life, they call professors, and they'll even call deans. They don't trust us and they don't trust their children." Okay, parents. Stop it! Just STOP IT. LET GO. As your children head back to school, at all grade levels, you need to accept that your child will stumble a few times throughout the year. He or she will have to deal with stressors that are academic and social. The classroom and the campus are social settings with plenty of difficult lessons for all students. Your job as a parent is to be a safety net, not a safety ha...

I am not shy, as most people who get to know me soon realize. I am, however, something of an introvert and selective when it comes to interactions. If I am interested in a person or a topic, it's easy to recognize that I overcome any social anxiety and engage. I narrowly focus, though, often to the point of ignoring other people or social niceties. If I'm talking about anything of interest to me, I am consumed by that topic at that moment. Nothing else registers. Yes, I like to hide in corners and avoid crowds. But, that does not mean I am shy — it means I know my limitations and how uncomfortable I can make people. I can be intense when discussing my interests, so it is often best not to talk to anyone in a new setting. I find it safest to avoid public gatherings and group situations; they are seldom enjoyable or of interest to me. When they are of interest to me, I don't navigate the social aspects well at all. I miss the non-verbal signals of when to move on, wh...

People are curious about relationships and autism; the questions asked most often when I appear before groups are about relationships. I've attempted to answer a few questions on this blog, but I never feel like I'm offering many insights. In a world in which most marriages fail and relationships seem to be transitory, I don't believe we can "blame" autistic traits for relationship issues. What we can do is recognize how autism and other forms of atypical neurology/personality do affect us and our relationships. Still, I caution readers that what I am offering is more general than "autism" and probably applies to every relationship at some time. Caveats stated, I believe the greatest challenge in my relationship with my wife is the sense that I'm unworthy of her friendship, loyalty, and companionship. The Susan is calmer, quieter, more focused, a faster reader, a better student, a much better employee… and on and on when compared to me. She has ...

I want to thank several autistic self-advocates for asking me to address the topic of collaboration and "peer work" more often and more forcefully. To challenge dominant pedagogies is no small risk in academia. I'm not rejecting group work, because we do need to foster interpersonal skills, but I am arguing the social skills must never dominate how we grade another academic discipline. If you teach science, grade science. If you teach writing, grade writing. Don't make "plays well with others" the major source of a grade. My students do group projects and work in teams (pairs). But, I do not make that collaborative effort part of the grade. I value teaching students to work well with others, yes, but grading social skills? I am the least qualified person imaginable to evaluate social skills. I facilitate collaboration, but I am not going to try to grade it on a "A-F" or point scale. Outside of teaching, I am a freelance writer and editor. I a...

In the last two weeks, I had to deal with the consequences of misperceptions and assumptions about me — and autism. My last major "public interaction" of 2012 also included a mention of my perceived personality, and that mention still annoys me several days later. I am reminded of this excellent blog post on Musings of an Aspie : You Scare Me October 10, 2010 http://musingsofanaspie.com/2012/10/10/you-scare-me/   Last summer, my husband and I had some new friends over for lunch. They brought along their two young boys. Toward the end of the meal, the 5-year-old, who was sitting next to me, looked at me and said, "You scare me." I have been told, far too many times, that I make people uncomfortable. I have been told I am cold, intimidating, angry, and scary. Coworkers, I have been informed, are afraid of me. Afraid of me, despite my palsy, my limp, and my occasional use of a cane. Please, read the full post on Musings of an Aspie  and try to understand w...

I saw this graphic on Facebook yesterday, and wanted to share it. I have included similar information on this blog and in my other writings. Trying to socialize is exhausting. Visit Karla's ASD Page While it might be more difficult for someone with a variation of autism to socialize, I have written that I believe others feel the same exhaustion from our society's insistence on being charming and at ease in groups. Workplaces are socially trying for many individuals, but significantly more trying for many autistics. My wife is an introvert, and so am I. We both work from home most of the time, which is ideal for us. I do try to be more social because I realize that's how our society works. We have friends who are extroverts and they do navigate workplaces (and life in general) with greater ease.  I'm conflicted by this. I want to be left alone, but I want to have success in whatever field I am pursuing. As a writer, social skills are necessary to promote...

As readers know, I have promoted or linked to products or services only a few times. If I wouldn't use, purchase, or support something, it isn't going to be on this website. And when I do disagree with a product or book, I don't hesitate to state so.  When I received the following note, I wasn't sure if I'd view this merely as a promotion for the car dealership or if it was something more. Of course, something can be both a good idea socially and commercially. This might be one of those instances: Hi Dr. Wyatt, I stumbled upon your blog and think you'd be very interested in a doc style project I recently worked on. The Mercedes Benz Tampa dealership currently houses a cafe that is completely staffed by individuals diagnosed with Autism. Artistas Cafe provides a place that allows these baristas constant human interaction that they might typically shy away from, while also breaking down stereotypes and misguided assumptions others might hold. I invite...

Though several readers have asked me about Loving Lampposts , I must admit that moving and starting a new job meant I haven't had much free time. People have mentioned this film to me and not too long ago the distributor asked if I would consider a link to the online streaming version. Loving Lampposts | Watch the Documentary Film Free Online | SnagFilms I'll let visitors watch the film and offer their opinions. Hopefully, I'll have some time to add my own thoughts in coming months. Feel free to share your reviews in the comments.

Autistics aren't the only people who work best when allowed to work alone. Unfortunately, we are most likely to struggle with  The Rise of the New Groupthink . Susan Cain, writing in the New York Times, advocates for solitude and silence. She is the author of the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking . Cain is responding to the faddish embrace of the belief that groups are always better than individuals. The Wisdom of Crowds, by James Surowiecki, was published in 2004. Around that time, the idea of "crowdsourcing" took off with various "great minds" embracing this statement: Specialized expertise tends to be over valued. In fact, large groups, structured properly, can be smarter than the smartest member of a group. On average, the wisdom of crowds will come up with a better answer than any individual could provide. Thankfully, Daniel Tammet (see the book Embracing the Wide Sky ) and others have critiqued this statement...

I worry about my job. I also wonder how much of this concern is reasonable, what might be considerer normal for any probationary employee, and how much of my concern is unreasonable. While many today are worried about job security due to the economy, I worry about my job because of my personality. Fifteen to 17 percent of adults with ASDs work full-time, according to a U.K. study (2007). Other researchers have found similar trends. Even those of us with doctorates struggle with employment in academia (Diament 2005). Outside technology fields, the world is less than welcoming (Anthes 1997). We are attending college, obtaining degrees, and ending up unemployed. It is a struggle to finish college, and yet that only marks the beginning. We love the success stories of students with ASDs in college (Erb 2008). Those stories don't answer the "what next" question. A U.C. Berkeley study found adults with ASDs struggle with unemployment: — Almost all participants … reporte...