The Autistic Me

Academic departments in the humanities rarely understand the social impairments of autism. These departments are, by their nature, social places — quite unlike some departments in the STEM disciplines. I’ve blogged repeatedly that STEM fields tolerate introversion and even social awkwardness, but not the humanities. This claim is based not only on my experiences, but on dozens of interviews with graduate students and terminal degree holders. The autistic students and professors with whom I’ve discussed this problem point to the underlying philosophies and pedagogies of the humanities. Group work and discussion are the norm, which might be good unless you struggle with group dynamics or conversation cues. If you pause to interpret speech, speak too quickly or too slowly, if your tone remains flat or sing-song, then you don’t fit into the “style” of the discipline. Autism features an impairment of social skills and interpersonal connections. Any academic skills the autistic might have...

This fall was a respite of sorts from academia while I concentrated on writing and considered my path ahead. For the last few months, I've been working on a mix of screen and stage projects, while also collaborating on some creative writing projects. As December ends, I'm returning to both academia and corporate life, which will reduce my creative output significantly for at least 2016. I'll be completing my MFA (master of fine arts), something I started before my doctoral studies. If I complete the program, I'll have an MFA in Film and Digital Technologies, which will complement my interest in screenwriting and "transmedia" theatrical productions. At the same time, I'll be doing some corporate consulting to pay for classes and some home renovation projects. My consulting work will be as an ADA compliance expert for Web, application, and new media content. This work aligns wonderfully with my doctoral research and my dissertation. Working on projects...

I completed my doctorate in June 2010. It is now June 2015. Five year after earning the doctorate, there's little to show for it. I have taught, but at my last post I was not on the tenure track and that is unlikely now. I might be a lecturer or adjunct here and there, but that's not the career I imagined. It's also not the path my wife had imagined, and certainly not the path that we went into debt for, yet again. Yes, I've applied for teaching jobs. No, I don't really want them, but teaching is the only thing I seem to be able to do, in part because of the schedule. Unfortunately, my degree choices weren't the wisest. The doctorate was an accomplishment, but to what end I don't know anymore. My wife needs stability. She likes routines and order as much as I do. We both hate any reminders that we are powerless. We organize our spaces, because that is something we can do. Unfortunately, we can organize books and things, but not my career. We won'...

Years ago, when I entered graduate school, I imagined helping students and teachers connect via technology. I wanted to study "writing across the curriculum" and online writing labs. These interests led me to a doctorate… but by the time I completed the degree I recognized that my career was already off my planned course. When I decided that writing about autism and education would be beneficial to someone, beyond myself, part of that decision was based on the (yes, we should admit this) trendiness of disability studies and all things diversity-based. I could do some good, and the topic would be desired by other academic scholars. It was a win-win. Instead, I found myself drifting back and forth between what I love (creative writing and the rhetoric of fiction) and what I believed I had to do to secure a teaching job (something autism-related). Not that I don't care about autism, but it isn't nearly the interest for me that it is for some other autistic scholars...

If I could, I would write full-time. That is what I want, and what I have dreamed of since first grade. To be a professional writer.  Teaching seemed like a good way to support writing. But, no luck with that approach.  Under-employed or unemployed, whatever I am about to be is everything I've hated about life since I left my undergraduate college in early 1991. Each time I dream of a stable, "normal" future, one with a career that allows for some order in life, the job goes sideways and my plans disintegrate. Attempts to create my own career have ended badly, too, for various reasons. No excuses: I simply am not good at the soft skills needed for success. I've worked on those skills, but they never develop. I am lousy at understanding people, and I lack the superior tech skills or proper degree to overcome that shortcoming. I can program, manage databases, configure Web servers, but I'm not the next app wizard. I never mastered OS X / iOS programming...

Companies, non-profits, and educational institutions should hire me as a consultant (or others with expertise in accommodations and supports for cognitive difference) because too many organizations do not know how to hire, support, and develop talented people with personality traits outside the accepted norms. Readers of this blog know that my experiences in the "tolerant" world of academia demonstrate that "tolerance" is not acceptance or support. I don't want to be "tolerated" (you tolerate bad weather, you tolerate an annoying relative). People with cognitive difference want to be appreciated, listened to, and supported. This post uses the first-person "I" but it likely represents the "we" of many people with differences society hasn't embraced. I'm not going to settle for being tolerated. No thank you. Like many advocates, I do not want your pity or your tolerance. I want to be an equal, not a token. Moving on fr...

As is often the case, I write a blog on a topic I'm not currently exploring in my research… only to discover that I'm about to delve into the depths of that exact topic for an academic article or presentation. Only a few weeks ago, I confessed that I had not maintained an active awareness of research on cognitive empathy and business communications. Much business scholarship on empathy studies "normal" (statistically representative and generalizable) groups. Seldom do I stumble upon detailed discussion of autistic traits in the workplace and the challenges those present. Those discussions more frequently appear in psychology journals or publications with a narrow focus on autism. Having acknowledged my lack of awareness, being steeped in the rhetoric of economics for a potential book project, today I stumbled right back into autism while preparing for an academic presentation.  My Carnegie Mellon University colleague Anita Woolley, along withThomas W. Malo...

Your disability does not give you the right to be a jerk. This isn't going to please some advocates, but I am tired of people willing to exploit their challenges to get their way and push others around in the workplace, in school, or in public settings. Jerks exist, with and without special needs, and I am convinced that a jerk is a jerk, period, but one willing to use a challenge to gain leverage does harm to the cause of advocates and other disabled people. I'll be the first to admit that some people will judge those of us asking for any accommodations as jerks. I've been told that it isn't fair or isn't reasonable if I ask for a trackball instead of a mouse or if I ask for an office lamp (or bring my own) so I can dim the overhead fluorescent bulbs. I get that asking for anything different leads some coworkers to feel you're getting special treatment. That's also why I believe workspaces should be flexible, so everyone can create whatever space work...

As readers know, blogging frequency varies with live events and schedules. This semester, my schedule allows little time for blogging — or even taking much needed breaks to recharge my body and mind. The list of activities remains long, as always. I've mentioned my to-do list many times on this blog and the list never seems to shorten. Don't misunderstand: I love teaching and the opportunity to teach extra courses enables my wife and me to pay down some debts and create a little safety net. But, an overload means no time for blogging, creative writing, gardening, or other hobbies. Forget projects I've long wanted to complete. For any teacher, three or more hours of lecturing and office hours without a break would be exhausting. It is draining to "perform" for 90 students, 30 per class, three days a week (MWF). The classes have personalities, too, which are difficult for me to interpret and address some days. The other two days, I teach one 80-minute class...

One of my personality quirks is that I like clear delineation of "my space" in the world. I don't like fuzzy barriers between the bits of the world I occupy and the rest of (human) world. I don't mind if my yard leads into a forest. That's great. But I do want to know where my yard ends and the neighbors' yards begin. I want lines drawn, nice and clear lines that clarify my responsibility. Admittedly, I also want others to know… "Hey, I'm not responsible for whatever you see over there!" The same is true at work. I like my desk to be… mine. I like my desk clean, my filing cabinets organized, and my books shelves by topic and then alphabetical. Don't enter my space without asking, and definitely don't return books to be helpful — other people never seem to place them back in order! Controlling my space, and wanting it as perfect as possible, is more than preference. It borders on a need — a desire to have a little bit of order and ...

Last week, I started preparing for the fall 2013 class I am teaching at a local university. Working on the syllabus this week has been a "good thing" because it justifies, at least a little bit, the time, money, and energy invested in the doctorate. The school routine has long been comfortable, a familiar grounding for my mind. The "year" to me remains the academic year, with August marking the start and June marking the end. I'm not sure what July is, other than filing the last year away and preparing for the upcoming year. School was not fun or enjoyable for me as a student. I was just another student, neither one of the popular people nor a complete social reject. I wasn't part of any clique, not even among the honors students. I had friends and people with whom I shared interests. As a teacher and professor, I enjoy the classroom. The workplace remains a challenge, but I anticipate it being much, much better at the new university. In part, that...

When parents try to understand autistic children, they make a simple mistake: they assume social desires and needs are universals. A parent recently said something that puzzled me. "When I think about how lonely my child must be…" Has your son or daughter said he or she is lonely? If not, that's a big, big assumption. I'm taking some liberty, but a recent email from a parent serves as a good illustration, too. I am reworking this slightly: "Trying to imagine my son's thoughts, I tear myself to pieces over what must be going on in there. I worry that he might be experiencing great emotional pain. I keep asking him, and he assures me he is not." There you have it. Trust the autistic or the introvert (or both) if he or she is content being alone. You can be alone, and not lonely. The problem for parents it that most people do define success and happiness via relationships (and a job). My best relationships are with my wife, my sister, and my mo...

This semester, I've been working from home on research and projects. That means no driving to campus, no teaching, and no interacting with colleagues on a daily basis. I still respond to email, and I send a few notes, but most of my time is spent alone in my comfy recliner with my MacBook Pro and the television tuned to CNBC or one of the educational channels. I like this arrangement. Working at home is ideal — something I'd love to do permanently. As a writer, that would be pretty great. Though I enjoy teaching, my wife and I both notice that I'm doing much better without having to navigate the workplace. I might miss the classroom, but at the moment I'm not missing anything else about the workplace. My wife also telecommutes. We're both introverts. People exhaust us. I'm positive we're both more productive at home. I work well alone. Give me a task, leave me alone, and I can (sometimes) focus better than in an office. There are distractions (ca...

I have a text file I maintain with question and topic suggestions for each of my blogs. Many of the questions to The Autistic Me open with, "I didn't want to post this publicly…" and then proceed to ask questions that range from the obviously personal to those I suppose relate to a private matter. Most of these questions are not about my private life — but asking the question reveals what someone else must be struggling with in life. Allow me to post a few of these topics and some short responses. Q: I am being bullied at work/school/local club. Ask a friend or family member what they suggest. I am the least qualified person imaginable to answer that question, since I tend to simply leave situations I dislike. If I don't like my work space, I leave the job as soon as possible. If I felt uneasy with a teacher, I would try to take a different course. If I don't like a social group, I stop attending the meetings. My method isn't the best approach for mos...

Autism Society National Conference  July 10-13, 2013 David L. Lawrence Convention Center Pittsburgh, PA http://www.autism-society.org/get-involved/conference/conference-sessions.html Title: Collaboration Conundrum: Mastering Group Projects At School and Beyond Content Area: Social Skills Target Audience: Adolescence and Adulthood Understanding Level: Intermediate Description: Schools and workplaces embrace collaboration, assuming that groups engaged in brainstorming, crowdsourcing, and agile development produce better ideas than individuals. Although new scholarship raises questions about the benefits of collaboration (Cain 2012), our cultural bias towards extroversion and social interaction means navigating collaborative projects is an important life skill for autistic students and adults. Schools claim to appreciate different learning styles, but they overlook different social styles. This presentation explores how autistic people can succeed in collaborative...

I am cross-posting this blog because it overlaps issues important to the autism community, rhetoric instructors, and those teaching with technology. It is a personal issue, for me, and one that reminds me how apart from "normal" society and dominant pedagogies I am as someone with a neurological challenge. The following contains generalities, and there are always exceptions to generalities. But, my experiences and those of adults with cognitive differences I have interviewed do support my claims. Contrary to what some might assume, many teachers in the humanities (though certainly not all) are extroverts. I've found the opposite is true in most science and technology fields, with the introverts outnumbering the extroverts. Statistically, there are personality traits that dominate various disciplines. There are political views that dominate, too. There are scholarly studies of the political views of professors (Gross and Simmons, 2007) and personality types within dis...

Having moved from Minnesota to Pennsylvania in 2011, I have not been directly involved in autism advocacy and education for the last 18 months. I was busy enough moving and navigating my new workplace that I decided I was busy enough without volunteering to help others. Now that we are settling comfortably in Western PA and the job is now focused entirely on research (no teaching this semester), I want to do more. On January 16, I had a nice lunch with Dan Torisky and Heidi Hess of the Autism Society of Pittsburgh ( http://www.autismsocietypgh.org ). Mr. Torisky is the president of the Autism Society chapter (or "affiliate") and Ms. Hess is the coordinator of community outreach. I look forward to working with the local chapter, because I respect the Autism Society of America ( http://www.autism-society.org ) and the work it supports. The ASA annual conference is going to be hosted by Pittsburgh this summer, July 10-13, 2013. I look forward to helping the local chapter h...

In the last two weeks, I had to deal with the consequences of misperceptions and assumptions about me — and autism. My last major "public interaction" of 2012 also included a mention of my perceived personality, and that mention still annoys me several days later. I am reminded of this excellent blog post on Musings of an Aspie : You Scare Me October 10, 2010 http://musingsofanaspie.com/2012/10/10/you-scare-me/   Last summer, my husband and I had some new friends over for lunch. They brought along their two young boys. Toward the end of the meal, the 5-year-old, who was sitting next to me, looked at me and said, "You scare me." I have been told, far too many times, that I make people uncomfortable. I have been told I am cold, intimidating, angry, and scary. Coworkers, I have been informed, are afraid of me. Afraid of me, despite my palsy, my limp, and my occasional use of a cane. Please, read the full post on Musings of an Aspie  and try to understand w...

As I've revealed on this blog, I'm back on the job market and find myself again wondering what the "right" path is for me. My students are half my age (okay, less than half) and are on the same journey of self-discovery and purpose-seeking. The reality is that we are limited not only by our skills and knowledge, but also by our personalities and social abilities. It might be that the right path for me has more to do with my personality than my interests. How to balance the intellectual and the social aspects of a career is a question I've never been able to answer. When you love people and love business, being in sales is a natural path. If you dislike social interactions, but love medicine, then being a pathologist or medical researcher is a good path. It's easier for me to consider hypothetical combinations and present those to my students than to come up with a good combination for myself. I've met autistic adults with dreams of careers that aren...

People don't get along. Sometimes, their "communication styles" simply don't correspond well enough. Different personalities attempt to communicate in such varying ways that conflicts seem inevitable. Sometimes, these are cultural differences and I'm not sure how to help an adult realize he or she seems "aggressive" or "passive" because of a cultural difference. This isn't an "autism" thing, either. I'm from California and was raised in a culture that doesn't seem as "aggressive" to me as the urban cultures I'm experiencing on the East Coast. My wife and I notice that some stereotypes seem to be grounded in reality. We were in a New York shopping mall and the people really do talk loudly, in short choppy sentences. They insult each other, even among friends and family. It is a different form of communication. There are times when I completely miss communication problems. As a teacher, this can be frustr...