The Autistic Me

A spinal nerve with its anterior and posterior roots. (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) My MFA in Film and Digital Technology was supposed to be finished in December, 2016. It wasn't. Instead, I had one infection after another, anemia, emergency room visits, blood and iron transfusions, a pinched spinal nerve , surgery… and more infections. Add in a car accident and family things and life overtook my life plans. This happens, but I do not like it when a schedule slips. Unfortunately, lots of my scheduled tasks have slipped. Now, I need to finish my MFA paper and film, a screenplay that's past-due, and several other projects. Plus, I need to find a job after I finish the degree. When I feel well, I need to work a lot to make up for the time I have lost and will inevitably lose in the future. The panic caused by being off schedule causes my schedule to slip more, but I'm doing my best not to panic. It's hard for me to not be distracted by the distraction th...

It is again that season, the time of year many of us will always consider the "new year" instead of some date in Winter. Yes, back-to-school. For me, this is the end of a busy five-class summer as an MFA student in Film and Digital Technology. I promise (sort of) that this will be the last of my graduate degrees unless I stumble into a FREE degree in economics. I'll have only three classes remaining in a 12-course MFA program. This degree has been a lot work and I am exhausted. I start teaching again the week of August 22. Summer ends and school starts. Not much of a pause between the two. My studies resume, officially, the next week, but I'll be completing MFA paperwork and thesis outlines in the meantime. My wife and I have had a lot going on this year, including health adventures. We've each had a night in the hospital; she had the far more complex and serious medical journey this year. I'm glad she's okay, because she's everything to me and...

I have been away from blogging to deal with some family matters, and I honestly don't have much to add to the "autism community" at this time. One of the questions that I've received a few times during the month, "Will you review NeuroTribes ?" Although I consider Steve Silberman's work important, it just isn't something of interest to me right now. Maybe it would have been a few years ago, and maybe it will be in the future, but at this time my life is busy without giving too much thought to autism and its various feuding communities. My days are spend writing, editing, and otherwise working like most freelance writers. My family life is the same as most other 40-something married adults. In other words, I can't really think of any way in which my autistic traits are having much affect on my daily life at this moment. This blog was meant to explore how autistic traits, regardless or their origins, present challenges (or offer benefit...

Autism advocates I admire have recently shared their "burnout" with online followers. These advocates are not seeking sympathy, nor are they wallowing in self-pity. Sadly, they must anticipate negative reactions before taking a break from online and real life activism. I separate online from real life because the online world can be more exhausting and far more negative than the physical spaces in which advocates operate. Online statements are easily misconstrued, taken out of context, and magnified both intentionally and unintentionally by readers. Trying to maintain civil discourse online can be an impossible task. In the physical world, what I still consider the real world, people pause before speaking. Rarely can they hide behind anonymity before being cruel. Public cruelty can at least be exposed in many settings. Online, different rules seem to apply to human behavior. Decency is lacking. When I fail to follow a particular Twitter account, like a Facebook page, or...

From the "Ask a Question" area… My son has Aspergers and he is very bright. However, I think what is difficult is that he has difficulty in Executive Function and I feel this will affect his learning as he grows older. Did you have the difficulty in EF and how did you cope with it? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Executive function (and, therefore, executive dysfunction) refers to one's ability or inability to organize daily routines required to function optimally in relationships, at school, at work, and within any community. When someone lacks impulse control, focus, and the ability to prioritize tasks, that individual suffers from impaired executive function. To describe me as "scattershot" would be generous. Finishing projects requires Herculean efforts, and I admit that more often I fail than succeed when it comes to my to-do list. Projects end up almost done, and I have the boxes of work to prove it. Getting through the day can be a challenge...

A handful, meaning four, visitors have emailed to ask why I haven't posted many blog entries recently. The answer: life has been fairly "normal" from my perspective. I'm grading finals, dealing with student pleas for homework extensions, and feeling overwhelmed — like every other instructor I know. A friend shared that he was up before 3 a.m. to grade essays and record grades by his university's deadlines. The end-of-semester crunch is what it is… no matter who you are as a student or instructor. The only "autistic" frustration was our cat, Lucy, triggering the burglar alarm while we were on the PA Turnpike. For those unfamiliar with the Turnpike and Tollway systems, these are true "Expressway" systems. The exits are far apart (28 miles or more), and sometimes those exits are to service areas, not junctions. So, when Lucy's Christmas tree curiosity tripped the motion sensor (which was supposed to aim above pet-level), we were about...

In an earlier post, I listed some of the goals for my weekend. Now, I offer the reality check. My goals for this weekend included: Finish unpacking our music collection. (No) Verify technical books are in my database. (Yes) Compose three to five blog posts. (Yes) Edit a client project. (Slow progress, incomplete) Update at least one Web page. (Some progress) Work on my two research projects. (Very little progress) The music collection wasn't a priority. I didn't manage to put any discs onto the shelves. It is a task I need to get done, since we need the CDs off the floor, but for now it will be a task I do when I need a break from the computer screens. Verifying my inventory of tech books was important because I'm starting to program again. I can't always remember which books I own, especially since there are new editions of tech books almost annually. Actually, we have so many books on so many topics, I am updating my database to include most of the boo...

I'm trying to get some projects completed, and parts of others. As readers know, the endless to-do list is something both my wife and I maintain. I'm certain I don't add everything I wish to accomplish to the list(s) we maintain — I'd end up spending the day adding to lists, not working on them. My goals for this weekend include: Finish unpacking our music collection. Verify technical books are in my database. Compose three to five blog posts. Edit a client project. Update at least one Web page. Work on my two research projects. The full list is much longer, but I am trying to be somewhat realistic. I might accomplish some of my goals, but most likely I will complete portions of some of them. There will be some CDs still in piles, some books unverified, and I doubt the blog posts will be backlogged to my satisfaction. Despite my best efforts, I doubt I will complete this editing pass through the client project, too. Is it a lack of focus or a lack of ti...

Accompanying the arrival of autumn are many of my favorite things: pumpkin pie, warm apple cider, hot teas, homemade cookies, multi-colored leaves, 60-degree days, and ice skating. That's only a partial list, because I love fall. I dislike summer, would rather skip the snows of winter, but fall and spring are glorious. And locally, the ice skating rink is open from Labor Day through Memorial Day. During the week, the public sessions are from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., with evening public sessions on Friday and Saturday nights. My wife and I have been skating during the evening sessions, but those are crowded and noisy. It is much nicer to go skating during the day, when only a few people use the rink. Last year, I found myself sharing the rink with three to five people most days. Sometimes, I was the only person skating, while the figure skaters were stretching or dealing with equipment issues. Around and around, smoothly on the cool ice. While they play music during the evening sessi...

As we head back to school, I find the anxiety overwhelming. The start of each year is like starting a new job, with new colleagues (students) and new routines. Time to learn new people, new schedules, new classrooms, and even a new office. I'm now in my third office, in a third building and I haven't yet reached a year as an instructor at the university. The change is constant, as the institution is trying to redefine itself in two different (and sometimes contradictory) ways. That's not really a topic for this blog post, but turmoil and confusion in higher education also make each year more of an adventure than I would like. When I was young, the new year seemed like part of the routine. I'm from a small Central California community; the school was the center of the small community where we lived until I was in high school. Even after moving into the "city" we remained in the same school junior high (now "middle school") and high school distri...

I met my wife at the airport just before midnight, Tuesday, and thought things were back to normal again. She was home, the cats would be happy, and routine would be restored. Then, while driving home I realized I ached all over. Headache, joint pain, and sneezing… lots and lots of sneezing. I thought the sneezing was a result of wind and pollen. Over the weekend, I had taken to the slope behind our house with a Weed Eater (one of the best lawn care tools ever invented). I wore jeans and safety goggles, but my face still ended up with marks from the weeds and grass. I looked like a red raccoon after the mowing and weed removal. Alas, it wasn't mere allergies. I spent much of Wednesday sneezing and wheezing. I was running a fever by late in the day. Thursday was spent in bed, with chills. Not as much sneezing, but still too much sneezing. My lips and nose are chapped, from too much Kleenex use. Time to get some Puffs with lotion. My wife said this is normal for us — I get sic...

I haven't had a good night's sleep in a few weeks, but this week seems to be off to the worst of starts. Midnight passes me by, while I work on projects for school, clients, and myself. I haven't been able to sleep well, despite being exhausted. Anemia is slowing my brain and body. Today I have a dental appointment, my first since moving to PA. I've had some bleeding and receding of the gums, so I'm not going to take any chances. The anemia can be bad enough without more bleeding — and gums shouldn't bleed, anyway. After the dental appointment, it is the last night of summer school. Yeah! I know the students are eager for classes to end so they can enjoy a few weeks of summer. I need a few weeks to work on school-related projects. I have to make some serious progress on a research paper and on at least one or two theoretical papers so I can keep moving ahead. I don't know if I could call it irony, but I need to prove I could succeed as an academic so I...

One of the common traits between the autistic people and the "gifted" people I meet is a desire to control their futures. These people generally dislike feeling there is no control, no structure to the future. Structure seems to be an important aspect of their lives, even if from the outside some talented people seem disorganized. I like to know what is going to happen a month, six months, or a year from now. Ideally, I'd have a plan for several years into the future. Therefore, it is interesting that I am not alone in this desire. My short-term future seems to be planned, at least through the end of the year. My calendar and to-do list are up-to-date with teaching duties, research projects, freelance projects, and my creative writing. It will be a busy second half to 2012. But, at least I know what is supposed to be accomplished. But, after December, things get all vague and blurry. Because I don't know what is ahead, I get anxious. What will my job be a y...

I have a long, long list of projects in various stages of completion (or incompletion) that I want to finish. More pressing, I have deadlines for work and clients that cannot be ignored, either. Finally, my wife and I have a house to get ready to sell. Work on our new house can wait… it has to wait. The projects that must be done first are those for the courses I'm teaching this summer. I have three or four more lectures to outline, stacks of papers to grade, and then there are two more weeks to teach — including final exams and papers. After summer school ends, I also have to develop an editing course for this fall, before mid-August. There's little "free time" for other tasks at the moment. Like many people, I keep a "to-do list" to help organize myself, but it never seems to shrink. Why is that? Why are my time management skills and whatever plans carefully make insufficient to catch-up with the list? Of course, the first question to ask is if my...

The next 60 days or so are going to be extraordinarily busy for us. My calendar is cluttered with a mix of school, household, and personal project deadlines. Hopefully things settle down substantially by the end of this summer — just in time for the next school year. Classes end on April 19, followed by finals week and grading. Because we get the keys to our new house on April 13, I'll be balancing the end of school against the need to get the house ready. The day before we close on the new house is packed with events, well into the evening. I am presenting a special seminar on the future of publishing during the day and attending a literary journal reading in the evening. The entire month is filled with such days. I'm hoping my wife and I will be able to move into the new house by mid-May, before renovations start on our current house, and before summer school starts. On April 18, I'll be attending a tribute to artists with autism at the Pittsburgh Center for the Art...

You probably noticed I took something of a leave from blogging much of this month. My wife and I took turns being ill with the flu, which upended our schedules, including our writing projects. Because work had priority, we had to delay website and blog updates while we attempted to recover the lost two weeks. Recovery has been a little slow, at least for me, since I was already dealing with some minor physical issues. In the coming weeks, I hope to return to my normal schedule of posting to each of my blogs at least once weekly. Ideally, I will manage to post on some of the ideas I've jotted down and you'll see two or three posts a week the blogs. Unfortunately, as I'm recovering we're getting ready to move into a new house. I'll be ending the school year, moving, and preparing to teach summer school. At least I know where my hours go each day: they are consumed by a dozen things other than my writing. I do keep telling myself that sleep should be optional, yet ...

I like to tell myself that sometime after this summer my wife and I will have a nice routine again. That is unlikely, but I can hope that things settle down a bit by the end of summer. 1. The dieting and exercise routine now has me down to my lowest weight since leaving California, more than five years ago. We are walking at least three nights a week and counting calories. In a few months, I'm sure the exercise routine won't seem to be "disrupting" my schedule. It will also be nice as the weather changes and we can walk outdoors in the park as weather permits. (It rains a lot here, so weather might not permit.) 2. The new house is going to be ours on Friday, April 13. That means another move, another few months of disruption, and then work on the current house to get it on the market. There are so many things that will need to happen during April and May that I get tense thinking about them. The new house will not be "done" when we are handed the keys, b...

My wife tells me that I must exist within some sort of time vortex. When I estimate something will take an hour, it inevitably requires at least two. Yet, from my perspective, it seems only the anticipated hour has elapsed. I'll be working at my computer, certain a television show I planned to watch is about to start and my wife is left to explain that the show ended an hour ago. And that's nothing compared to my mornings. No matter how early I wake and no matter how carefully I plan, most days require a two hour warm up period, at least. It is the rare morning when I am ready to work or leave the house before 9 a.m. — and far more likely that I won't start functioning normally before 10 a.m. When I do rush to leave early, I end up spending time feeling ill at work. No matter my intentions, my body rebels for two hours and I must submit to its terms. Once I'm working, I lose track of time. What seem to be minutes are often hours, as I've already explained. That...

A couple of hours ago, I drove my wife to the airport. She's returning to our home in Minnesota for a few weeks. Her next visit will likely be at the end of September and last only two or three days. This move has been a challenge, especially as we maintain two houses until the previous one sells. I don't mind being somewhat alone, and I definitely prefer to be alone in my office on campus when I'm working, but being without my wife is different. She's my guide and my companion. I don't like Minneapolis, but if she's there, that's where my thoughts are. As I returned home from the airport, a storm rolled into the area with rain, lightning, and wind. It was dark and gloomy — pretty much how I felt on the way home. Today was a day we remember both first responders and those called to serve in the months and years after September 11, 2001. I can't imagine being in the military and serving for months, even a year or more, away from my family. The famil...

When I was young, I disliked summer because it wasn't as routine as the school year. I dislike school much of the time, too, but it was a (somewhat) predictable setting. Best of all, school meant books with facts and more information to learn. Since becoming a more active special education advocate, I've met many children and adults who love memorizing specific facts but don't (or didn't) enjoy their classroom experiences. How can you make back to school less stressful? What are some suggestions to ease the annual ritual? I begin each year with a tour of my campus. In college, I always arrived early and walked around the campus. I did this year after year, because I needed to ease myself into the campus routines. I even did this in high school, walking about the empty campus before it was crowded with unruly students. I've meandered about the campus where I am now a professor and will visit several more times before the first day of classes. It might help othe...