The Autistic Me

Networking is part of developing a career. This is true of any career, including that of writer / scholar. If you want someone to publish or produce your works, you have to be social. You have to be known. Yes, there are exceptions to this rule, artists able to succeed without social skills, but generally you cannot escape the demand to network. Playwrights and screenwriters are invited to social "mixers" with potential producers, directors, and the like. We are expected to pitch our ideas and somehow collaborate well despite many of us preferring solitary creativity. I've skipped most local events for the last two years. I simply cannot bear to be in social settings, much less tolerate the drive towards the city. The cost of my lack of interaction with others: no productions. No readings. Nothing. If you aren't "out there" with something in hand, as well as attending the shows of other writers, you aren't going to be produced. Again, there are ...

Sitting at home, with our cats, is where we will be this holiday season. It beats being out and about this week, as Christmas approaches. I have no desire to be among crowds of people or driving in heavy traffic. Peace and quiet are what my wife and I both want. Books, movies, the fireplace, the cats. That's a good holiday week. There are people who love the holidays, the lights, the sounds, the shopping, the large gatherings and parties. Not us. A new year approaches. There's no optimism, or pessimism, only acceptance that the year will be whatever it will be. As you get older, the holidays are memories of the past and recollections of what we once dreamed the future might be. What is doesn't quite match the what we hoped would be. What I do like about the holidays: cookies. Okay, I like cookies all the time. Still, the holidays are a reason to bake extra cookies and try new recipes. Related articles Normalcy is Good

Saturday night, my wife and I attended the "B.U.S. 8" (Bricolage Urban Scrawl) fundraiser at Pittsburgh's New Hazlett Theater. The event supports the Bricolage Production Company's theater season. The theater, and its lobby, were packed with people. That's never easy for me, but this was something I had to do — pure self-interest as an artist. Why in the world would someone so sensitive to the stimulation that is a city go into Pittsburgh? I find Pittsburgh to be worse for my mind and body than Minneapolis. The streets are confusing and narrow; driving into the city is exhausting. Once in the city, it is one of the worst maintained places I've been. Though Pittsburgh is often listed as one of the most "livable" cities, I assume such reviews are based on the suburbs and higher-end neighborhoods. There are some beautiful spaces and great little communities within the larger city. It's just the city is… a mess. The city is also home to a thriv...

When I'm a bit tired and stressed, I like to walk around (some) of the local malls. People have asked how I can like malls when I don't like crowded spaces. Well… some malls are "alive" and some are "dead" inside. Readers know that I do a lot — I have to keep my mind occupied. However, I also get overwhelmed and need a break when I'm tired. I was really tired yesterday. My wife and I have been painting our house. We signed the closing papers one year ago, April 13, 2012. What I most remember is that our Mimi was in poor health. She passed away three weeks later. Today, we were painting the "kids' room" blue and I thought about how much I loved our kids. Our newest members of the family, Misty and Lucy, were unhappy with the closed door. Lucy managed to chew the corner of a paint drop cloth, tugging at it with her claws under the door. Tangent: Misty Kitty is sitting with me as I type tonight, and Lucy is on the top of their new cat ...

A recent comment on the blog noted how fortunate I am to have my best friend as my wife. We spend a lot of time together, which isn't easy for some couples. My wife and I work from home most of the time, so we have lunch together and we take turns tending to our cats' needs. For days at a stretch, we might be the only other people we see face-to-face. My wife is an introvert. She likes to sit on the couch by the fireplace, a cat in her lap while she reads a book. During the summer, she wants to tend a garden and take photos of the parks we visit. The reason we live well together is that neither of us has a compulsion to visit large, crowded cities or places. We are both content to live in a semi-rural area that meets our basic needs. There are some good restaurants, easy access to shopping, and several nice parks. I tend to need out of the house more often than my wife, but my destinations are simple: bookstores, parks, and a few favorite restaurants. She indulges my re...

I haven't been posting much to The Autistic Me blog in the last six months or so. I could list all the excuses, and there are many, but I've noticed that my blog isn't alone with less frequent updates. I've also noticed many blogs have either been abandoned or changed managers/authors in the last year. My "autism" group in NetNewsWire, my RSS reader of choice, is shrinking. On the Autism-Hub site, some pages haven't been updated in six months. Only ten have been updated within the last 30 days. What's happened? Have we all shifted to Facebook? I doubt it. Maybe we are exhausted, as a community? That seems plausible, after several busy years. Maybe there will be another spike in discussions once the new DSM-V is published, but we might have exhausted those debates, too. Opinions seem fairly set on many of the subjects. Blogging requires some compulsion to address a topic, or at least to tell a personal story. I'm not sure why anyone would c...

Accompanying the arrival of autumn are many of my favorite things: pumpkin pie, warm apple cider, hot teas, homemade cookies, multi-colored leaves, 60-degree days, and ice skating. That's only a partial list, because I love fall. I dislike summer, would rather skip the snows of winter, but fall and spring are glorious. And locally, the ice skating rink is open from Labor Day through Memorial Day. During the week, the public sessions are from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., with evening public sessions on Friday and Saturday nights. My wife and I have been skating during the evening sessions, but those are crowded and noisy. It is much nicer to go skating during the day, when only a few people use the rink. Last year, I found myself sharing the rink with three to five people most days. Sometimes, I was the only person skating, while the figure skaters were stretching or dealing with equipment issues. Around and around, smoothly on the cool ice. While they play music during the evening sessi...

Wednesday, my wife and I went to the opening day of the Canfield Fair in Ohio. It is a regional fair, drawing from several Ohio and Pennsylvania counties. Since we moved from California, I would rate this as the best fair we've attended. It reminded me a bit of the Big Fresno Fair, with more animals than the Minnesota State Fair. The Canfield Fair had the best collection of antique farm equipment we've seen, and definitely the most food trucks and booths. In California, there are county fairs. I've been to the Kern, Tulare, Kings, Los Angeles, and Fresno County fairs. The Tulare County fair is a nice little event, usually with some good entertainment. The Fresno County fair (The Big Fresno Fair) is great. I love the entertainment, the craft displays, and the animals. I can still remember the basic layout of the fairgrounds, especially the location of the rabbits, sheep, and horses. Fresno's grandstands are still used for horse racing. The Minnesota State Fair, hel...

Autistics aren't the only people who work best when allowed to work alone. Unfortunately, we are most likely to struggle with  The Rise of the New Groupthink . Susan Cain, writing in the New York Times, advocates for solitude and silence. She is the author of the book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking . Cain is responding to the faddish embrace of the belief that groups are always better than individuals. The Wisdom of Crowds, by James Surowiecki, was published in 2004. Around that time, the idea of "crowdsourcing" took off with various "great minds" embracing this statement: Specialized expertise tends to be over valued. In fact, large groups, structured properly, can be smarter than the smartest member of a group. On average, the wisdom of crowds will come up with a better answer than any individual could provide. Thankfully, Daniel Tammet (see the book Embracing the Wide Sky ) and others have critiqued this statement...

I love food. I like many restaurants. But, I really dislike crowds. The best restaurant is often a crowded one, so how do I get around this problem? Generally, I don't go to lunch at noon and I don't dine at six. When we lived in Minneapolis, I learned to visit my favorite lunch spot at 11:30. Great service, fresh food, and twice the executive chef joined me to chat. In our new community, I've learned that my favorite place is great to visit at 1 p.m. for lunch. The lunch crowd seems to vanish magically right as the lunch hour ends. I've been the only diner several times. I've accidentally arrived too early and found every table occupied. Empty is ideal. There are some good places that are intolerable at most times. I know it's not "great food" in a technical sense, but I like Joe's Crab Shack. However, it's annoying at almost any hour unless you can eat outside on the patio. I love seafood, I hate the theatrics. My wife and I end up ea...

Forgive me, but it is time for some blatant self-promotion. The Autistic Me has had a steady readership for several years, but I'd like to see that readership expand throughout 2012. On these pages, I try to answer reader questions. I attempt to write about life as I experience it. I also try to address the challenges my traits present to friends, family, and coworkers. I do try to post something new each week, sometimes more frequently. The more questions and feedback, the more I post in response. Someone mentioned to me that there are so many websites, blogs, portals, et cetera, dedicated to autism that she only found my blog "by accident" while skimming The Autism Hub ( http://autism-hub.com/ ). The sheer number of autism blogs, both active and zombies, is astounding. A search of Blogger found 38,000 autism-related blogs. Some are only loosely autism-focused, while others are far more specific than my own blog. In this crowded space, it is difficult to be noticed...

The last few weeks have been stressful, dealing with moving, a new job, two pet cats with issues, and all the little complications along the way. Yet, with what is probably more actual stress than I was experiencing only a few months ago, I tend to feel much better about where I am and where we are going as a family. Why do I feel better? My simple answer is because I'm not in an urban setting. The most extreme anxiety I've experienced in PA was not when the basement flooded. It was not even waiting to see how JC did during cancer surgery. It was while driving in Pittsburgh. I hated the drive — intensely. I disliked downtown even more than the driving. Don't misunderstand, I was plenty worried about J.C. Kitty during his surgery exactly a week ago. It was a lousy feeling to be wondering if I should be with him at the vet hospital, just in case something happened. But it wasn't the sort of stress that causes me to freeze and hide away. In fact, I wanted to do whate...

When I was young, I disliked summer because it wasn't as routine as the school year. I dislike school much of the time, too, but it was a (somewhat) predictable setting. Best of all, school meant books with facts and more information to learn. Since becoming a more active special education advocate, I've met many children and adults who love memorizing specific facts but don't (or didn't) enjoy their classroom experiences. How can you make back to school less stressful? What are some suggestions to ease the annual ritual? I begin each year with a tour of my campus. In college, I always arrived early and walked around the campus. I did this year after year, because I needed to ease myself into the campus routines. I even did this in high school, walking about the empty campus before it was crowded with unruly students. I've meandered about the campus where I am now a professor and will visit several more times before the first day of classes. It might help othe...

I'm glad research is finding evidence that supports my impressions of city life. This research could have implications for autism, as well. There is significant evidence that autism rates are higher in some settings, but we don't know how correlations relate to causation or other factors. Simply finding more autistics in a region doesn't mean something in the region causes autism. It could be that similar people slowly congregate. But, this study finds evidence that city life itself changes the brain. The implications are fairly important. Humans didn't live in cities of millions until recently. We did not evolve in groups much larger than a few thousand, and more often our social groups are under a thousand people. We're only emotionally wired to handle connections to 150 people or fewer. We deal with 1000 or more by connecting though our close connections. We connect beyond the 150, in other words, but we do so via networking. City Life Could Change Your Brain for...

A recommended column: Caring for Your Introvert - The Atlantic Why would I post a link to an article on "introverts" to The Autistic Me? Because I've had a handful of parents and teachers suggest to me that the quiet young people we might call "geeks" or "nerds" are "on the spectrum." The implication is that introversion itself is a pathology. This view of introversion is the result of viewing anyone asocial as somehow defective. Introversion is not a disorder. Shyness is sometimes the cause, but sometimes a person simply likes to be alone -- without being shy. Also, being asocial is not the same as being destructively anti-social. You can simply want to be alone without hating people. Not everyone with a desire for solitude is a misanthrope. Social people do have more "success" in politics, business, and in some academic settings. We all know that social skills do, rightly or wrongly, affect our success in life, even when we don...

Admittedly, this section is out of context. It is from a long chapter I am still editing and revising, but I think this section of the text can encourage some discussion. Relationship Constraints All relationships exist within boundaries. In some cases the boundaries are cultural, physical, or in other ways external to us. There are constraints that are personal. Sometimes we can learn to expand this constraints; sometimes we learn to adapt to them. The coming pages are going to explore four groups of constraints that affect the relationships of people with autism:  • Social Skills: ability to read and adjust to people, avoid confusing for “passing” as normal • Tolerances: both emotional and sensory tolerances that can affect relationships • Desires: “best case” wishes for relationships, from acquaintances to friendships to lovers  • Needs: what works for us, helps us, and ideally traits close to what we desire Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that our social ...

It is now 10:30 p.m., a bit more than 24 hours from the start of the Christian Kane ( http://www.christiankane.com/ ) concert my wife and I attended Friday night. Kane's music is Southern rock, often with a harder edge. I like "The House Rules" (album and single), though country music is a fraction of my CD collection. Side note: I still prefer to own CDs and then import at a high bit-rate for iTunes. Also, I still use my CD players for classical and jazz and there is a noticeable difference. I did well, all things considered, and we did remain through the entire concert. When I was an undergraduate, many years ago, I went to several concerts and regularly went to Los Angeles clubs to listen to music. Because I like jazz and "American standards" (think Sinatra), the places I like most are nothing like country bars. My ears are still ringing, slightly and my legs are sore. But, I did okay. In fact, I think I did better with the music volume than my wife. The wors...

It's not much of secret that while I like to get out of the house (and the city), I don't head for large gatherings of people or loud places. I also don't like driving through downtown where we live. The freeways and their signage were designed to cause accidents, it seems. Maybe the auto-body repair industry donates to local politicians. But, tonight we are heading through downtown and out to a concert at a local club. It's going to be sensory overload and lots of stress. It has been years since we were anywhere with live music. Actually, about eight years. Live music is fairly common at some bars and restaurants in our hometown. Some of the music was pretty good, too. But these were not jam-packed clubs with national acts. I need out of the house, so we'll see how this goes. The club / restaurant is in a new shopping center, so nothing will be familiar. The menu will be new, since we have never eaten at the restaurant. There are many potential problems wit...

In a recent post on the holidays, I mentioned that gatherings of people are often too intense and too stressful for me. I avoid any social gatherings as often as possible, which has implications far beyond my family and holidays. Consider all the daily events that are really gatherings of people, social or not: 1) School classrooms It doesn't get any more over stimulating that most classrooms. The K-6 classrooms are the worst for me, with their "neurological stimulation" of name tags, charts, maps, calendars, student art, and more. I felt overwhelmed as a student and I still feel overwhelmed when I enter these rooms as an educator or consultant. Now, add the students. What was already an overwhelming space can become a nightmare. I've substituted in K-6 classrooms, which seemed to go well enough, but I was ready to collapse at the end of each day. Young children are... well... children. One or two is okay. Twenty? You can't possibly keep them organized, on...

My wife an I spent the holiday at home, with one friend, and that was fine with us. We'll likely spend New Year's Eve quietly watching movies, as well. Our ideal holiday, like most days off, is spent quietly with just the two of us. That's about as social as either of us wants to be. I might want out of the house at times, but I don't want to attend social events. I never enjoyed family gatherings, which are just too loud and too stressful. I want to enjoy a holiday, which means I don't want the stress of people. Yes, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve are about family, but I can call and e-mail family members. I don't need to be in a crowded house, anxiously waiting for the holiday to end. Holidays were rarely pleasant as a child. I dreaded them. I still do. The fact we are several thousand miles away from family was somewhat "helpful" over the last five years. It means we can be alone without offending anyone. I care about my famil...