The Autistic Me

Holidays offer a number of challenges for individuals with sensory processing challenges. For me, the lights and sounds of the holidays can lead to migraines and tremors, along with a general sense of overload. Imagine being a child without the ability to escape the sights, sounds, smells, and touches of the holidays. Blinking lights (and often too many or too bright); sirens and party sounds; smells of baking, fireplaces, and fragrances; everyone seems to wants hugs and handshakes, if not kisses. It is an overwhelming holiday. We have two little ones with sensory processing issues and other special needs. I rarely write about them on the blog. I wanted to share that not only must we plan strategically for my special needs, but we must also plan for their needs as children. First, tell people about the sensory challenges. Eventually, I either have to leave a party or will have a stress meltdown. Telling people that crowded, loud spaces can be a problem might let hosts know tha...

In a few ways, 2016 has been (with a nod to a great children's book) a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad year for my wife and me. We have had medical issues, I have not had a full-time job, and a pair of accidents took our Jeep out of service. It has also been one of the best years my wife and I have had. The following is a lengthy post on the past and our future. A friend and I had a polite debate on the topic of sponsors for "The Autistic Me" blog and my other creative projects. I generally believe that writers and other artists should find a market for their efforts and seek compensation accordingly. The idea of "donations" does not appeal to me. "But you give to several organizations, including the performing arts," she insisted. "What is the difference?" Much to my wife's chagrin, I do donate to theatrical organizations, local independent film projects, an autism cause or two, the humane society, and other non-profit gr...

Last week my grandfather was abruptly hospitalized. He died Wednesday night, at the age of 93. I haven't processed this loss, in part because we now live so far away that I haven't seen family in a few years. Moving was a good thing  for us, but it does weaken links to family and friends left behind. I don't want to post much about my grandfather. He was good man and I couldn't write anything adequate. He was the quiet calm in my father's family. Loyal, honest, and caring. Nothing meant more to him than family — and you didn't need to be related by blood to be in his family. It has been an exhausting few weeks and a tiring year. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to keep the blogs updated. This year, we've experienced a few difficult moments. My wife had her first-ever minor surgeries (plural, because we never do anything half-way), our little Muttly died of cancer (third cat to die of cancer in the two years we've lived here), I switc...

My wife had an outpatient procedure March 1, and I hated every minute of it. I know it has never been easy for my parents or my wife when I've had my little medical misadventures, but it stinks to have to be the one in the waiting room. Sure, it was "no big deal" in the end. Her doctor told me things had never gone so smoothly; my wife is in great shape and the procedure took mere minutes. The "mere minutes" in the operating room left me waiting for two hours. I walked the corridors, visited the hospital gift shop, the coffee shop, and the diner. The hospital diner was nice, with a counter and round stools like you might find in any 1950s malt shop. Every surgery is major. Anesthesia is dangerous. Surgery is dangerous. When it is me, I don't worry as much as I did when my wife was in the operating room. If something happened to me, I know she'd be okay. Her family and my family would see to that. But, if anything ever happened to her, I...

Though several readers have asked me about Loving Lampposts , I must admit that moving and starting a new job meant I haven't had much free time. People have mentioned this film to me and not too long ago the distributor asked if I would consider a link to the online streaming version. Loving Lampposts | Watch the Documentary Film Free Online | SnagFilms I'll let visitors watch the film and offer their opinions. Hopefully, I'll have some time to add my own thoughts in coming months. Feel free to share your reviews in the comments.

Someone sent me a note asking why I didn't participate in National Autistics Speaking Day. The simple truth is, I'm not home on Tuesdays and don't have much time for anything outside my university duties on that day. I teach until 9 p.m. and don't get home until late. I thought about writing something a day or two earlier, but I'm swamped with university projects, teaching, freelance writing, and a never-ending series of household-related tasks. I'm more than a little overwhelmed lately. I have to fit in a surgery this month, too, while staying somewhat on track. So, here are my thoughts for "Autistics Speaking" as I glance at my new dry-erase board featuring a list of to-do items: 1. I am a "success" neither because of nor in spite of my "autistic" traits. I am a success because my wife, parents, extended family, and friends help me and I try to help them when I can. Success is a team effort, whether you're "normal...

For the first time in many, many years, things feel somewhat "right" in life. Not great, since I'm still dealing with the loss of J.C. Kitty and the stress of missing my wife until she can join us permanently. But, things are better than they have been in almost two decades. My wife is the most important person in my life, and the last decade has been anything but fair and good to her. Our relationship imploded for a time, in no small part because doctors (of both the medical and mental health variety) had little clue how to address physical and neurological issues. For most of the time we've known each other, I've never felt like I deserved her as a friend, much less as a companion. I wanted her to be happy — and I doubted very much that I could give her the life she deserved. We've lost a fair amount of time and money trying to earn enough to live. I dreamed of earning enough to "pay her back" for all she did. Instead, we went backwards. A comp...

I'd like to introduce Misty. Since moving, I've been shopping at a PetSmart location near the university. For that entire time (a month and a week or two), Misty has been in the adoption cages. Then, last Saturday, I noticed the employees had removed her tag and were sorting some paperwork in a large white three-ringed binder. I asked if someone had adopted Misty. No. She had reached her limit with the Humane Society. Misty arrived in April and August was as long as they could give her. Misty was so calm, quiet, and even "sad" looking that she didn't attract enough attention. She had been turned over to the shelter at the age of two and half, so she isn't a cute little blue-eyed kitten. But she is adorable. She is a beautiful cat, who simply needed a home. Having had an elderly owner, according to the Humane Society, Misty was accustomed to relaxed, slow moving people. The "spunky" kittens around her in other cages would run up and stick ou...

In a post that was a private reflection, moved off the main page, I mentioned "the mediocre people." I've been pondering this concept and believe it needs some clarification that might be of interest to most of my readers. The Mediocre are not defined by their education levels, incomes, faiths, political beliefs, genders, races, or any number of other categories. Oxford American Dictionary : 1. of only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate. 2. rather poor or inferior. Merriam-Webster : moderate or low, poor quality. Of a poor to middling character. What is "poor character" to me? It means you are not a role model. It means you aren't one of the good or great people. Maybe The Mediocre don't try. Maybe they don't care. But they are what they are. Most of the good and great people I know are from humble backgrounds. They are farmers, nurses, librarians, police officers, farm workers, mechanics, and many other profess...

It's no secret I have a deep disdain for the mental health professions, based on my personal experiences and observations. My work with families and students also reinforces my suspicions that too many support professionals don't understand the autistic experience, including those professionals supposedly specializing in autism. My most recent blog entry on the topic was: Autism Therapies and The Autistic Individual http://theautisticme.blogspot.com/2011/06/autism-therapies-and-autistic.html One of the readers of my blog sent a note that included the following: "Your experiences were in the 1970s and 80s. Things have changed. You don't know what is done now for autistics." My last individual appointment with a counselor specializing in autism was in late November 2006. That is not ancient history. I also had a follow-up evaluation in early 2007 during which the psychiatrist was condescending, critical, and inattentive to anything I was trying to explain to her. (I...

Another section of my book on relationships and autism. I'll be adding citations to the final edition. For now, you can read the bibliography on this blog for additional resources I have consulted. Desires and Needs Human relationships come down to our desires and our needs as they relate to social connections. Psychologists and social experts can and do argue over the distinction between a desire and need, and I realize plenty of scientists assert the only real “needs” are biological. I am not using the biological definitions in this text, I’m relying on terms from marriage and family counselors. A psychology need is something necessary to develop a sense of self. If you want to learn more about needs, there are several books and websites with information on Abraham Maslow’s theories. By contrast, a desire is something we want, but that is unessential to the development of self-awareness. Philosophers also consider desires versus needs.  Allow me another moment of blunt honesty: ...

My wife an I spent the holiday at home, with one friend, and that was fine with us. We'll likely spend New Year's Eve quietly watching movies, as well. Our ideal holiday, like most days off, is spent quietly with just the two of us. That's about as social as either of us wants to be. I might want out of the house at times, but I don't want to attend social events. I never enjoyed family gatherings, which are just too loud and too stressful. I want to enjoy a holiday, which means I don't want the stress of people. Yes, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve are about family, but I can call and e-mail family members. I don't need to be in a crowded house, anxiously waiting for the holiday to end. Holidays were rarely pleasant as a child. I dreaded them. I still do. The fact we are several thousand miles away from family was somewhat "helpful" over the last five years. It means we can be alone without offending anyone. I care about my famil...

A simple question as the new year approaches: What path should I take? More importantly, what is best for both my wife and me? I am out of ideas. The past offers lessons of what I should not do, if I pay attention. But what should I do? In general, I'm just annoyed. I feel like the last 20 years have been wasted, professionally. I'm unemployed and overeducated. My wife and our "kids" (the cats) deserve so much better than I've been able to deliver. It seems an inescapable conclusion after 20 years that education is not a field for me, at least not in the humanities. I don't fit politically, philosophically, temperamentally, or in almost any other way within the professions of education. I don't even fit physically or intellectually. I love learning a lot, but that's definitely insufficient in a field dominated more by political views than intellectual curiosity. They say you should learn from the past. There are many years I dislike and will ne...

This week I will turn 42. And, like too many of my friends and colleagues, I will continue to be underemployed, earning much less than $1000 / month since June. People have told me, "At least you have a Ph.D." I'm supposed to feed "better" because I've expanded my horizons. How does that help matters? How does $40,000 in debt help me? My academic "success" hasn't translated into anything. Nothing. Zilch. Zero. Actually, it has resulted in negatives -- lost time, substantial debt, stress, and overall bitterness. What was the point of more than seven years' worth of graduate education? When I started graduate school, the talk was of the coming wave of retirements in higher education. Some of those retirements did come, but new full-time instructors were not hired. Instead, universities are scaling back where possible. I don't blame colleges and universities. They need graduate students and I'm sure most educators want to belie...

A representative from WestGlenn Communications ( http://www.westglen.com/ ), a PR firm that works with non-profit organizations, asked me to review an Easter Seals survey related to adults with developmental disabilities and to consider referring readers of this blog to a video discussion. Understand that this survey was funded by MassMutual Financial Group, which has a vested interest in marketing financial planning to parents of children with disabilities. I am not going to recommend any particular company, but I do agree that those families with the ability must consider how a child with a disability will adapt to adulthood. The sad truth is that many of us with developmental disabilities are underemployed or unemployed. Surveys of adults with official diagnoses of autism spectrum disorders indicate only 17 percent have full-time employment. That leaves most dependent on public supports, friends, and family. I know that cannot be easy for parents to consider. Also, I know my per...

The cliché is that I am supposed to "learn" from the last 20 years. At least I have a great wife and cool cats… but it has been a long 20 years since leaving USC. I believe 1988-89 was the last "good" year. (Like many people, I still view a "year" in academic terms.) I need to get back to the path I was on then: writing and more writing. I stopped giving my all to the journalism and English programs my last year at USC. I quit the Daily Trojan, ended my journalism internships, and shifted to the school of education for several complex reasons (including hubris). The basic thought was that teaching would be a secure "second choice" since I decided against journalism as my career path. I still love journalism, but I know I'm opinionated and passionate about the topics I might enjoy covering. Of course, a columnist or analyst can be opinionated, so there's hope. I have been unable to focus since leaving L.A. in Dec 1990. I did finish the...

I haven't had much time for personal writing, even the creative writing I have been pursuing this year. I've made two public speaking appearances this month, both two hours long. Thankfully, one was a panel discussion so I wasn't speaking nearly as much. The academic job hunt has continued, subdued after last year. The applications have also taken a great deal of time. One university required four applications, though all four fell under one job description. I'm certain there's a legal reason for this, but it was a lot of work because they wanted so many documents. Not only did you have to submit the documents online, they asked applicants to mail copies of the documents, too. The main reason I've only managed eight-hour days is that I'm dealing with some medical issues. I am anemic, with severely low hemoglobin and iron levels. Last time this happened, two years ago, I ended up spending Christmas Eve in the hospital getting a blood transfusion. On the posit...

Yesterday I spent several hours holding one of our cats, Jordan, knowing she needed love and attention. It was, sadly, the end of her battle against the ravages of age. I don't know how strange it is, but I spent much of the time telling her how much I enjoyed various things she did throughout life. I whispered to her and told her how much she had meant to me during the roughest patches of life. She would fade in and out of sleep, exhausted. I've read research pointing increasingly towards emotions, memories, and even self-awareness in animals. I want to believe that Jordan knew how much I loved her as a companion. Jordan and her sister, Mimi, have been with us for almost as long as my wife and I have lived together. That means they have been through the good and bad with us. I thought about those times a lot over the last few days as Jordan needed more care and attention. For all my shortcomings, and they are many, the one thing I am certain I have done "right" for ...

My wife and I went to the Minnesota State Fair last Thursday. There were, according to the news, 179,000 people there on opening day. I hate crowds and noise, but did okay at the fair. One reason is I knew exactly what I wanted to see, where those things were, and where the fair was least crowded. It helps to have a plan. My priority was the animals. I love the small mammals: rabbits, hares, and other little creatures. I always loved wandering the 4H and FFA displays back in Central California, too. There's something wonderful about animals. Plus, people are busy doing other things at an urban fair, so the livestock areas are a good place to be. I guess people here care more about the rides and food, but I think fairs should be a celebration of the farm life. The only problems I had were in the art exhibits. The people smelled bad, which sounds funny after wandering livestock areas. Too many people here smoke. How much do you have to smoke to smell like ashtrays? Apparently smoking...

I don't feel "lonely" most of the time, I feel isolated. That's different. I don't want to deal with people, I want to do things that too often require dealing with people -- leaving me stuck at home some days. People for me are ways to gain knowledge and data; I am interested in people with knowledge I don't posses yet want want to learn. I don't care to be social for no reason. Even with a reason, I'd rather skip the social elements. I've written that I do sometimes wish to be more social. Though hard to explain, I perceive there would be intellectual benefits -- people would be more comfortable sharing information with me if I were more "charming." So, when I say I wish I were more socially skilled, it is not because I miss the skills or want them for enjoyment, but I wish I could persuade more people with skills and knowledge I admire to be mentors. My wife is not social, either, but she does much better with people than I do. She is ...