The Autistic Me

"You don't understand…." When a parent starts a conversation with those words, I know to anticipate a long list of what I don't appreciate as the person with challenges, compared to the parent of a disabled child. It is both a logical and an absurd statement. I've never been another color, another gender, another nationality, or another religion — yet I would assume most people try to understand and appreciate the experiences of people from other groups. I know my childhood friends with Spanish surnames were treated unfairly by some teachers. I know people assume I know about cars, while it is my wife who is the engineer. You can appreciate without total understanding — because even within a group the experiences differ. No, I am not a parent. I am not a caregiver. But, to assume I don't empathize is to accept one of the worst stereotypes of both autism spectrum disorders and mental giftedness. While I might not translate empathy quickly, I definitely ...

A Facebook fan — and thanks to everyone following us on FB and Twitter — asked if I could address problems with "fitting in" with same-age peers. A good topic, and a difficult one. The challenge is that there are two different "stages" I'm learning about among autistic individuals. As children, many high-functioning autistics seem to deal better with adults. As adults, the opposite seems to be the case, with autistics relating better to children. The challenges make sense, though, as I will explain. As a child, the individual with Asperger's or any "high-functioning" ASD diagnosis is likely drawn to concrete thinking, pattern recognition, and might be an "expert" on a few subjects of special interest. Compared to his or her peers, the autistic seems "advanced" because some skills we associate with greater chronological ages appear early. These are not social skills, however. The interest in topics and things, compared to ...

When I was young, I disliked summer because it wasn't as routine as the school year. I dislike school much of the time, too, but it was a (somewhat) predictable setting. Best of all, school meant books with facts and more information to learn. Since becoming a more active special education advocate, I've met many children and adults who love memorizing specific facts but don't (or didn't) enjoy their classroom experiences. How can you make back to school less stressful? What are some suggestions to ease the annual ritual? I begin each year with a tour of my campus. In college, I always arrived early and walked around the campus. I did this year after year, because I needed to ease myself into the campus routines. I even did this in high school, walking about the empty campus before it was crowded with unruly students. I've meandered about the campus where I am now a professor and will visit several more times before the first day of classes. It might help othe...

As readers of this blog know, I try to keep this blog personal because I only claim to know and understand my personal experiences. I'm not comfortable straying far from what I know. However, there are a few voices I believe my readers should hear and read if they want a better understanding of autism spectrum disorders. Stuart Duncan is a father of two sons, one with autism. He also has a wife with some physical challenges. You can read his reflection on autism at his website: Autism from a Father's Point of View:  http://www.stuartduncan.name/ Follow Mr. Duncan on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/autismfather Everyone should spend a few days (and yes, it will take you days) reading the blog and information posted by Mr. Duncan. He has provided a frank and detailed account of life as a parent to an autistic child. It is the single best parent-authored website I have found. I don't say that lightly, because there are many thoughtful blogs by parents. Unfortunately, there ...

I didn't answer one of the submitted questions as well as I should have. Here was the key to the question and the one I should have addressed: My husband thinks I am wrong to 'expect so much' from her. I think that she's very intelligent and that I would be failing her if I just said 'she has autism' every time…. Am I in the wrong? Am I damaging her by treating her like a typical kid? Here's the new, improved answer: No. It is unlikely you are damaging any child with a disability by trying to treat that child as much like other children as possible. I should include a dozen caveats and warnings, but most are commonsense. Some disabilities do limit what we can do, but not what we can accomplish. We "mainstream" students in special education because we know that separate is not equal, because the experiences of students in a "special" class do differ from the experiences of students in a "normal" class situation. "Normal...

From the " Ask a Question " inbox: Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I have a question concerning my own 9 year old daughter, similar diagnosis to your own. She is considered HFA, though her abilities and reactions are 'scattered all over the spectrum' (low, mid, high functions). My question is: Am I wrong to treat her as I do my other children? She is the oldest child of 5. I do not give her a lot of leeway based on her diagnosis--what I mean is, her autism is not allowed to be an excuse for bad behavior. She is aware of what is acceptable and what is not--no hitting other people, no cursing, no destroying the house-- and she receives the same types of punishments as her siblings. We do time outs and grounding from favored activities. Spanking is very rare and only as a last resort (she received a pop to the bottom for stabbing her brother with a fork) I realize the difference between bad behavior and meltdowns from stress, along wit...

Sure, it is a play on the "puzzle" of autism — because I believe relationships are a puzzle for almost every person. More from the eBook I am preparing for release later this month. Relationship Circles We often hear about “circles of friends” and our “social circles.” These are references to the numbers of people we consider to be within particular relationship categories. The smallest “circle” is that of lovers: usually two people. Even that smallest of circles changes, as partners enter and leave our lives. The largest, and most fluid circle, contains the strangers we encounter on any given day. Most of our relationships begin in the outer circle. We meet a stranger and that person becomes an acquaintance over time. If we work closely with that person, he or she might become a colleague or peer. Eventually, we somehow sort through our peers and choose friends — or they choose us. I consider my wife to be my best friend, but I knew her first as schoolmate (not even a clas...

Early childhood development can affect future relationships. Here are more book excerpts: Childhood Lessons Our relationships might eventually include friends, teachers, coworkers, and clients. However, our initial relationships tend to be familial and customary connections. Studies indicate that the relationships formed during the first two to three years of life affect our future social skills. Childhood is a time of learning essential skills, ideally in a safe family setting. For children with autism spectrum disorders, early intervention and social skills reinforcement are particularly important.  • Early relationships affect future connections • Families are small, safe social groups • Parents and siblings can help teach social skills • Teaching is more “active” and “conscious” when supporting someone with an ASD • As connections expand beyond families, the challenges become more complex Our families prepare us for both the largest communities and the smallest. Relationships ...

Over at About.com, Lisa has posted the story of a parent. This parent credits hard work for the success of her child with autism. I don't disagree that parental involvement helps every child, but I also don't believe that parents can help every child with autism become an independent adult. Let's be bluntly, even brutally, honest with ourselves. I have met parents who did as much as my own parents, from physical therapies to demanding the schools do better to meet my needs. These parents have spared no amount of time or effort to help their children, often sacrificing dual incomes to have one parent at home full-time. And yet, for all their efforts, there is negligible improvement, beyond what might be expected as an autistic child ages. Yes, improvement, but not enough to live independently or to have the types of social connections the parents envisioned. You can spend all the time and energy humanly possible on the "recovery" of your autistic child and no...

Yes, it is more book content. I won't be pasting the entire book into the blog while I work on it, but I am posting sections that might be useful. I'm also hoping, as any author does, that the previews lead to people downloading the completed eBook once it is ready. For intentional relationships, experts suggest there are “essential” social skills. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I agree based on experience. Different experts have offered longer works on relationship skills, but I could never memorize 50 skills or even a dozen. Working with autism support groups, I have refined my list of essential skills to four:   • Listening: the essential social skill for relationships is active listening to others • Expressing Needs: people, including friends and family, cannot meet needs without knowing them • Respecting Others: social rituals indicating respect are important; social rituals include being polite to others even when it is difficult • Avoiding Others: knowing wh...

There is a difference between offering opportunities for “social inclusion” for individuals with special needs and those parents demanding a child participate in “normal” activities. Inclusion is a divisive and complex topic for reasons that are social, political, philosophical, and personal. I believe, passionately, that individuals with disabilities should have access to any publicly funded services, from education to community-based youth sports. I am not insisting, absurdly, that every activity can be inclusive because some activities exclude all but the most talented. What I do insist on is that opportunities to participate be equal, include the opportunity to fail. But lately, I have started to encounter parents insisting that children and teens with disabilities participate in activities regardless of individual desire to participate. These parents claim that participation is essential to the development of social skills. “My daughter would just sit in her room reading abo...