The Autistic Me

The wedding vows are complete - you may now kiss the bride. (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) When I talk to groups, the three lines of questions are generally: school , workplace, and relationship . There are plenty of books and experts on the school issues. Plenty of debates, too. Whatever you want to believe, there's probably an "expert" with that opinion. As an educator, I have plenty to say on the subject of school and being different. As with school, there is an abundance of expert opinion for parents, educators, and autistics regarding success in the workplace. Again, I have strong opinions and most of those are related to the social aspects of school and work dominating our culture. "Emotional intelligence" is given too much weight, in my view, as we judge introverts , creative individualists, and anyone not charming as being somehow defective. We've made introversion a disability — or at least a professional liability. But, the questions tha...

English: Love question (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) Visitors have asked why the blog doesn't deal more with personal issues like romance, marriage, children. There's not much to "teach" other people. My advice to autistics is to stop trying to please everyone else and find your own social network. In that social network, you might (or might not) find friendships and love. If you don't have friends, you definitely won't find love. I am a believer in friendships helping us cope with life. Before I removed the Q&A section on the blog site, the majority of questions I received were about relationships / dating. Basically, "How can my son / daughter have a 'normal' social life and find love?" I tired of the question because 1) there is no one answer and 2) many of the autistics corresponding with me hated the pressure to find "love" and didn't want parental help with romance! Though I have a short ebook available on t...

Sex (Photo credit: danielito311 ) "Did you fool around in college?" the parent asked. "I suppose. I missed classes once or twice. And I liked to go to the beach." "No, I meant… fool around  with girls." Parents stumble into this question more ways than I could have anticipated when I started to write and speak about autism and education. No answer I can offer based on personal experience can capture what another college student might experience. Every student is different. I entered college as an honors student, with all the "geekiness" that implies. I was also socially awkward in general, as readers of this blog can appreciate. During college, I lived in a special residence hall with faculty members living among students as mentors. It was not a "normal" experience, I recognize. Some gifted students, some autistic students, are charming and will have active social lives. That is likely to include normal sexual experien...

English: Temple Grandin at a book signing at Rochester Community and Technical College in Rochester, Minnesota (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) Autism support specialist Heather Conroy ( http://www.hconroyconsulting.com ) and I are working on several short "pocket guides" for young adults on the autism spectrum. Our first guide, which we hope to have to publishers later this year, deals with sexuality and relationship in a frank (blunt!) way. While I strongly disagree with some claims in this article, I have dealt with autistics (male and female ) with obsessive online habits (usually gaming, but often in other ways, too). Stories like the following are why our book and others are needed by autistics, families, and support providers: Autism and Child Pornography: A Toxic Combination - The Daily Beast Aug 5, 2013 4:45 AM EDT  It’s a disturbing trend we cannot ignore. Eustacia Cutler, mother of autism advocate Temple Grandin, on why autistic men are viewing child pornogr...

English: Romance icon (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) The Autism Society conference, recently concluded in Pittsburgh, PA. During the conference, I appeared on a panel that dealt with general life issues. After the panel, parents and young adults approached me with questions. Every question, without exception, dealt with relationships. Nothing about education, careers, or life skills. No, every question was about relationships, from friendships to dating and beyond. Though a great number of books have now appeared, including several on dating, love, and sexuality, there seems to be an endless demand for answers. If not answers, families and individuals at least want to discuss these issues. As I've written before, I'm not sure what I can contribute to these discussions. I still believe some basic guides to dating and relationships are better than the "autistic" guides. Relationships are complex for everyone, or those bookshelves wouldn't be packed in every bo...

Love (Photo credit: praram ) My wife and I were discussing the fact that many of the adults with autism spectrum disorders I've met are, forgive me, but obsessed with finding love. It seems "love" is an overriding concern to them. This interest in love didn't seem like the interest in dating I've heard among other groups. No, this is a quest for "love" as if there isn't a (few) steps between meeting and love. Two of the self-described "Aspies" I've met were asking me to help because they were accused of stalking on college campuses. They both told me they were trying to let girls know they wanted to date because they were in love. Someone needed to explain meeting people, dating, and what "love" is — and what it is not. It turns out, they really didn't know what was "acceptable" and what was "unacceptable" when trying to meet someone and/or ask that person on a date. Polite rejections were n...

My wife and I are currently revising A Spectrum of Relationships, which is a guide to social connections for teens and adults with ASDs. The last chapter deals with romantic relationships. Because this book is a broad overview of social situations and not a dating guide, we decided to include only a few short sections on physical relationships. Many of the questions I do receive following public appearances do deal with sexuality and romance. I know there are some texts on autism and sexuality, but I am wondering if I should prepare a separate book on those matters. Writing about sexuality is a challenge because I don't believe there are "norms" of sexuality that can be neatly organized along autistic / non-autistic lines. We can discuss studies of human sexuality and surveys of opinion on the physical and emotional aspects of relationships, but there is a lot of variety among all people. I have included a section in A Spectrum of Relationships on how some autistics repor...

There must be something better out there. I'm not sure what, but the more I interview functional adults with autism who received ABA-based or similar therapies, the more I know there must be a better approach. The problem is, I have no idea what that "better approach" is. I'm not a psychologist. I'm a language arts and autism specialist. My research is on how autistic students learn to master written communication (which doesn't really mean "written" in all cases). I am not a therapist. I am not a counselor. But there has to be a better way to help students and young children. I am not suggesting all ABA-based therapies in use today are bad. I sincerely believe ABA must be revised, researched, and ideally all connections to anything Lovaas did forgotten to history. I'd even like to see whatever evolution occurs to have a name other than "ABA-based therapy." The history and associations are that troubling. So, understand I'm ca...

Yes, sex and ASDs. Part of my February 26 presentation at Arc Midstate's annual conference will deal with sexuality and autism. A short eBook is also being created, which will be free. Let's get the obvious out of the way: students with ASDs grow up to be adults with ASDs. Many, if not most, will have the same urges, impulses, and desires as the rest of the adult population. And, though their parents and caregivers might not want to ponder this, the student with an ASD will experiment and eventually engage in romantic physical contact with another person. Some will get married as adults and have children of their own. Teens are teens, regardless of any unique traits or challenges, and this topic can't be ignored, even if parents have wanted to avoid this topic for centuries. The best thing we can do is offer some advice to prepare young people to help them deal with emerging sexuality. I'm only going to post a few thoughts for now, until the presentation is finished. I...

I will be hosting a presentation and discussion on autism and relationships during the Arc Midstate Annual Conference. The description is: Autism and Developing Interpersonal Relationships - This can be a challenge for students and adults with autism spectrum disorders. This frank discussion explores the positive and negative experiences shared by most people, but with an emphasis on how autism is an additional obstacle to relationships. How can family, friends, caregivers, and educators help nurture the skills necessary for rewarded social connections? What are the challenges faced by individuals with ASDs and how can specific challenges be addressed? Remember, I am talking to parents and educators with the potential for some teens in the audience. My comments are addressed to the parents, but they are meant for everyone. Portrayals of people with ASDs range from the anti-social hermit to the oblivious stalker. The reality is more complex. Some people are social, some are not. We ...