The Autistic Me

Holidays offer a number of challenges for individuals with sensory processing challenges. For me, the lights and sounds of the holidays can lead to migraines and tremors, along with a general sense of overload. Imagine being a child without the ability to escape the sights, sounds, smells, and touches of the holidays. Blinking lights (and often too many or too bright); sirens and party sounds; smells of baking, fireplaces, and fragrances; everyone seems to wants hugs and handshakes, if not kisses. It is an overwhelming holiday. We have two little ones with sensory processing issues and other special needs. I rarely write about them on the blog. I wanted to share that not only must we plan strategically for my special needs, but we must also plan for their needs as children. First, tell people about the sensory challenges. Eventually, I either have to leave a party or will have a stress meltdown. Telling people that crowded, loud spaces can be a problem might let hosts know tha...

The wedding vows are complete - you may now kiss the bride. (Photo credit: Wikipedia ) When I talk to groups, the three lines of questions are generally: school , workplace, and relationship . There are plenty of books and experts on the school issues. Plenty of debates, too. Whatever you want to believe, there's probably an "expert" with that opinion. As an educator, I have plenty to say on the subject of school and being different. As with school, there is an abundance of expert opinion for parents, educators, and autistics regarding success in the workplace. Again, I have strong opinions and most of those are related to the social aspects of school and work dominating our culture. "Emotional intelligence" is given too much weight, in my view, as we judge introverts , creative individualists, and anyone not charming as being somehow defective. We've made introversion a disability — or at least a professional liability. But, the questions tha...

One of our Facebook/Twitter followers asked: "Are you sick often? My son is." Ask my wife or my mother… or even my college students. Oh, yes. Definitely. I'm sick right now. It seems like I'm sick twice as many days as I am well. There are days when I believe I am never well. My colds turn into something worse most of the time. I have chest congestion, and have for months. It started as a cold, became bronchitis, and then a staph infection. Antibiotics and steroids have not cleared my chest. The coughing hurts, the gunk in my throat disgusts me. But, there hasn't been a good solution. The immune system overreacts to everything. A minor cold? Nope. My body rushes to "help" and ends up making matters worse. I realize this question was about illnesses, but physically I'm fragile, too. When I have an illness, it makes it harder to ignore the leg, back, shoulder, and neck pains. I was in a back brace for scoliosis and there are some permanent...

Driving has been causing back pain, which leads to headaches, and some of those headaches become migraines. A migraine is not merely a bad headache, either. I don't mind driving on fairly flat, smooth, un-congested routes. The problem is that the roads where we live go over and around hills. The weather creates potholes that are small craters. Traffic is heavy, on streets never designed for the number of cars. Basically, driving in and around the city is a nightmare for my mind and body. By the time I reach work, I'm exhausted. Getting home, after a long day, I'm ready to sleep. On the way home, I celebrate the moment I cross from one county to the next, because the roads improve. The road noise decreases and my head hurts a little less. Someday, I want a luxury car just for the reduced noise.

A reader asks, "If you don't think about the autistic traits, what about your wife? They tend to notice what husbands fail to see in the mirror." Is my wife be more aware of my "autistic" traits than I am? Probably. I suppose the above is true of all friends and family in our lives. The people observing us probably do see us for whatever we are, more clearly than we can see ourselves. She knows how annoyed I get with myself, which might help her tolerate me a little more. I dislike how locked in I get to thoughts, how much I worry constantly about failing at things, how tense I get in various situations. She knows I don't like my sensitivities, my fears, and my general anxiety. My wife reminds me to accept my limits, though I hate those limits. She tries to maintain order and calm, knowing how much I hate disorder in my life. I don't like to be told the obvious though: my mind doesn't let go of things, even when I wish it could. She'll te...

Now, for some paradoxes about where we choose to live. Greater Pittsburgh, as a community, has proved to be a great place for my wife and me. The region, which includes parts of West Virginia and Ohio, offers excellent opportunities for people like us. But, those opportunities come with a cost. Before reviewing the toll I pay for working in Pittsburgh, I wish to list the amazing benefits of the Steel City: I teach at a top-ranked research university, among the best in the world; My plays have received public readings (and, soon, stagings) by some of the most supportive actors, directors, and crews possible; I can walk large sections of the city, after I find parking, avoiding mass transit; and My office is a short walk from one of the largest urban parks in America and the Phipps Conservatory. But, cities still exhaust me. As a result, I commute an hour or more each direction so we can live in the exurbs. People consider where we live to be "country" though I co...

A handful, meaning four, visitors have emailed to ask why I haven't posted many blog entries recently. The answer: life has been fairly "normal" from my perspective. I'm grading finals, dealing with student pleas for homework extensions, and feeling overwhelmed — like every other instructor I know. A friend shared that he was up before 3 a.m. to grade essays and record grades by his university's deadlines. The end-of-semester crunch is what it is… no matter who you are as a student or instructor. The only "autistic" frustration was our cat, Lucy, triggering the burglar alarm while we were on the PA Turnpike. For those unfamiliar with the Turnpike and Tollway systems, these are true "Expressway" systems. The exits are far apart (28 miles or more), and sometimes those exits are to service areas, not junctions. So, when Lucy's Christmas tree curiosity tripped the motion sensor (which was supposed to aim above pet-level), we were about...

My goal with the new year was to be a bit more entertaining as a writer. It is hard to think about being entertaining when I'm sitting on a "gel pad" cushion with one foot elevated and typing with one eye closed. Any humor at that point is unintentional. I'm not doing well this week. Something is wrong with my left foot, so I'm limping again. I used the cane last night. My right eye isn't working either. With headaches, back and shoulder pain, blood loss, and more, I need a break. Pain won Tuesday night. I crashed and didn't crawl out of bed until 11 am on Wednesday. It is frustrating when my body fails me because the pain starts to interfere with thinking clearly. I tolerate the physical limits until my body interferes with my mind. Thinking trumps walking or seeing perfectly. I can deal with a limp. I cannot stand to sense my mind is clouded and unable to focus. I never like it when medications make my mind feel slow, and I really dislike it when p...

Tonight my wife told me that she has been experiencing stress, worrying about my health from afar. I have been having some minor health issues for the last month or so. Experience has taught us that I am not good at recognizing how serious an issue is or is not. I did go to a "minute clinic" after a week of coughing, and was diagnosed with bronchitis. However, other health problems have continued and I am set to see a doctor next week. One of the serious issues facing families of adults with autism is how to help an autistic person recognize and deal with health related issues. Because I am always in physical pain and discomfort is a constant in my life, it is challenging for me to recognize when a pain is something important. I have severe back pain and was even in a back brace as a teenager. I also have other injuries dating back to birth which cause shoulder and hip pain. For as long as I can remember, I have had headaches and migraines. With my complicated physical si...

The last few weeks have been stressful, dealing with moving, a new job, two pet cats with issues, and all the little complications along the way. Yet, with what is probably more actual stress than I was experiencing only a few months ago, I tend to feel much better about where I am and where we are going as a family. Why do I feel better? My simple answer is because I'm not in an urban setting. The most extreme anxiety I've experienced in PA was not when the basement flooded. It was not even waiting to see how JC did during cancer surgery. It was while driving in Pittsburgh. I hated the drive — intensely. I disliked downtown even more than the driving. Don't misunderstand, I was plenty worried about J.C. Kitty during his surgery exactly a week ago. It was a lousy feeling to be wondering if I should be with him at the vet hospital, just in case something happened. But it wasn't the sort of stress that causes me to freeze and hide away. In fact, I wanted to do whate...

In the last week, I've managed to go to lunch or dinner four times by myself. That might not seem like a big deal to most people, but it can be a challenge for me to go to new places with my wife, much less by myself. I don't like noise, unusual sounds, some smells, and crowds. So how did I manage to go out and actually enjoy it? First, I went to places within a mile or so of our house. If I felt stressed, I could always head home quickly and I wasn't so far away as to worry about getting lost in a state of panic. Second, I went to eat at times before the "rush" crowds. I ate lunch at 11:30, when most places start service yet most customers haven't arrived. I ate dinner at 4:30, with the same logic in mind. Third, I asked to sit facing the door and windows. This helps me avoid feeling trapped. I ate at an Asian buffet, a little Italian place (with an odd menu mix that strayed far from what I consider Italian), a regional chain diner, and a Mexican re...

I'm glad research is finding evidence that supports my impressions of city life. This research could have implications for autism, as well. There is significant evidence that autism rates are higher in some settings, but we don't know how correlations relate to causation or other factors. Simply finding more autistics in a region doesn't mean something in the region causes autism. It could be that similar people slowly congregate. But, this study finds evidence that city life itself changes the brain. The implications are fairly important. Humans didn't live in cities of millions until recently. We did not evolve in groups much larger than a few thousand, and more often our social groups are under a thousand people. We're only emotionally wired to handle connections to 150 people or fewer. We deal with 1000 or more by connecting though our close connections. We connect beyond the 150, in other words, but we do so via networking. City Life Could Change Your Brain for...

Everyone knows moving is a pain. For weeks before (and weeks after), disarray is the norm. We have boxes about the house, and we've barely started organizing for a long-distance move. In coming weeks, we need to donate, sell, and dispose of as much as we can without parting with anything we'd later miss. Of course, I'm the sort of person to miss anything we leave behind. Coordinating the move is practical logistics: events have to happen in near-perfect order. My wife and I over-plan, and yet we will both feel unprepared until the move is complete. We will worry about every detail between now and August. The cats hated today, which began with two workers installing five new interior doors. I disliked it, too, but it sure was fast and painless versus us doing the work. But, Pumpkin Kitty ("PK") was truly annoyed. I have the two puncture marks on my right hand (thankfully, the less-sensitive hand) where PK bit down and wouldn't let go. He is still hiding several...

Yet more book passages on autism and relationships. Thanks to all the readers so far! Tolerances When someone declares, “I can’t tolerate that person!” the speaker probably means that literally in some way. Yes, we really do have “tolerances” and those affect our relationships. When people discusses their tolerances, most are referring to their emotional abilities to tolerate others. However, emotional tolerances are only a part of limits on a relationship. • Tolerances describe our physical, emotional, and neurological limitations • Ranges of tolerance vary by individual, though some with ASDs are extremely sensitive • Composing a list of tolerances can improve self-awareness of social limitations • Friends and family often know tolerances better than the individual with an ASD All of us have physical, emotional, and neurological limitations. Some of us can tolerate extreme cold, others can tolerate extreme heat. Some of us are emotionally equipped to work in emergency rooms or d...

It is now 10:30 p.m., a bit more than 24 hours from the start of the Christian Kane ( http://www.christiankane.com/ ) concert my wife and I attended Friday night. Kane's music is Southern rock, often with a harder edge. I like "The House Rules" (album and single), though country music is a fraction of my CD collection. Side note: I still prefer to own CDs and then import at a high bit-rate for iTunes. Also, I still use my CD players for classical and jazz and there is a noticeable difference. I did well, all things considered, and we did remain through the entire concert. When I was an undergraduate, many years ago, I went to several concerts and regularly went to Los Angeles clubs to listen to music. Because I like jazz and "American standards" (think Sinatra), the places I like most are nothing like country bars. My ears are still ringing, slightly and my legs are sore. But, I did okay. In fact, I think I did better with the music volume than my wife. The wors...

It's not much of secret that while I like to get out of the house (and the city), I don't head for large gatherings of people or loud places. I also don't like driving through downtown where we live. The freeways and their signage were designed to cause accidents, it seems. Maybe the auto-body repair industry donates to local politicians. But, tonight we are heading through downtown and out to a concert at a local club. It's going to be sensory overload and lots of stress. It has been years since we were anywhere with live music. Actually, about eight years. Live music is fairly common at some bars and restaurants in our hometown. Some of the music was pretty good, too. But these were not jam-packed clubs with national acts. I need out of the house, so we'll see how this goes. The club / restaurant is in a new shopping center, so nothing will be familiar. The menu will be new, since we have never eaten at the restaurant. There are many potential problems wit...

In a recent post on the holidays, I mentioned that gatherings of people are often too intense and too stressful for me. I avoid any social gatherings as often as possible, which has implications far beyond my family and holidays. Consider all the daily events that are really gatherings of people, social or not: 1) School classrooms It doesn't get any more over stimulating that most classrooms. The K-6 classrooms are the worst for me, with their "neurological stimulation" of name tags, charts, maps, calendars, student art, and more. I felt overwhelmed as a student and I still feel overwhelmed when I enter these rooms as an educator or consultant. Now, add the students. What was already an overwhelming space can become a nightmare. I've substituted in K-6 classrooms, which seemed to go well enough, but I was ready to collapse at the end of each day. Young children are... well... children. One or two is okay. Twenty? You can't possibly keep them organized, on...

When I am anxious, there are a few things that sometimes help decompress. These things do not work always, but most of the time they do. Because I don't like street noises, which are particularly painful, I seek out isolated park-like areas when I am not home. In Dallas earlier this year, I found several amazing park-like settings, include an enclosed mall with a duck pond and sculpture garden. Parks, arboretums, and gardens are followed closely by museums and galleries. The worst places for me are urban downtown areas. Even the park areas are often too close to the buildings and streets. If I am at home, I turn to cartoons and family entertainment, from Disney to Warner Brothers. I love films with a family pulling together in the end. How can you feel bad after a Pixar movie? Friends and family always win the day in a good movie. I do seal the windows, close the curtains, and drink herbal teas when I am at home and anxious. I do not want to think about where we live, which is much...

When stressed, I experience an intense desire to flee — to get away from whatever situation is causing the stress. I've left restaurants without ordering, stores without buying items, and even medical appointments when the situation didn't feel right. About the only thing I can't recall leaving suddenly was my classroom when teaching. The good thing about teaching is that you can stop lecturing and alter an assignment to adjust the mood of the room. Next to leaving, establishing some personal control seems to be the best way to reduce stress. The most stressful moments are those of individual conflict. When I feel threatened or dominated by someone, I do have to leave. I feel physically ill when someone is imposing his or her will on me without listening to or caring about the results. Some people are intimidating by nature. I suppose there are "natural" bullies, people who expect to be in charge at all times. These people aren't inclined to let each person in...

It has been three days since I attended an academic conference. I only attended one of the two days, knowing I was not doing well physically. I'm still "shaky" -- the best adjective I can conjure at the moment. It is like my senses are turned up a notch even more than usual. My assumption is that when I am tired I cannot block the input. The refrigerator, the ceiling fan, even the buzzing of lights are distracting me. I was listening to music to block out everything else. Today was going to be a day out of the house, to sit and write at a bookstore. Instead, I'm too tense to drive. Every pothole would be annoying, not to mention the struggle I have driving in our neighborhood anyway. The bookstore, with the people and associated input, would have been miserable. I hate being tense like this. Three days of wanting to hide under covers and avoid the world. Tomorrow I have to teach and Wednesday I'm heading to an audio store to replace my Jeep's radio and two spe...