The Autistic Me

When I was young, I wanted to be an adult. I related more to my teachers than to other students as early as first and second grade. I was interested in current events, the stock market, and science. I was an outsider among my peers. Now, I relate more to young people than to my peers. It is not an intellectual connection, but I wonder if my emotionally development stalled out at the mental age of 20-something. I was emotionally 25 at ten, and 26 emotionally in my 40s. That would be an interesting phenomena. Stuck in a narrow emotional range? Being aware that something is wrong, different about me, is a strange sensation. Do others experience this odd out of synch sensation?

Hanging out with friends seems to be something that most of my Facebook "friends" do on a weekly basis. Some seem to be hanging out nightly. They are the social butterflies I sometimes envy, because social skills matter personally and professionally. I don't get random emails, messages, or phone calls from people asking, "What are you doing tonight?" I can't recall the last personal, non-work message, that was not initiated by me. People don't reach out to me without a reason. Several people have said I make others uncomfortable one-on-one. Lecturing? Public speaking? Those are not a problem. But there is something "off" with my interpersonal skills. Even if I had great social skills, I would I spend time alone so I could write and be creative. I know socially adept introverts. Wanting space doesn't mean you are socially awkward. Of course, I am so socially inept and an introvert. So, on the rare occasions when I do want to hang ou...

When I'm asked to speak or answer email questions about sex, my first question is: "What about relationships? Friendship? Dating?" I don't understand the interest in "sex" without exploring the social skills that (typically) lead to sexual encounters. My personal opinion, however old-fashioned, is that we should encourage relationships and the skills necessary to maintain those relationships. The challenge is that sexual activity has always and will always occur outside relationships, so we need to balance the need to educate students with the need to encourage more healthy interpersonal connections. I've had autistic young people and adults tell me, "I want sex." What about relationships? "I don't know. Maybe. But I want sex." It's hard to explain to a college student aware of "hook-ups" among peers that those casual sexual adventures are still complex social interactions. I hear my students talk about ...

A colleague recently mentioned that I don't seem to have typical friendships. I asked for clarification, and the explanation offered makes some sense to me. I suppose my wife and I don't have the same types of social connections as many of our acquaintances. This colleague asked me several questions to illustrate his point: When is the last time someone asked me/us to join that person/group, personally for no real reason? Facebook and Meetup groups don't count. When is the last time you had dinner with someone, just to be with him or her? When is the last time a friend was in your house? My wife and I have dinner out just to spend time together. We obviously live in the same house. But, I can't think of the last time I just had dinner with someone. I think it was about two months ago that we had dinner with a local business owner and it was almost four months ago that we met up with two friends for dinner out. I don't have random lunches with any friend...

A concerned mother asked about friends. She was worried because her teenager only had one close friend. Do I have friends? An interesting question, and one I doubt most people can answer easily. My wife and my family are my close friends; there is no one else I communicate with at least monthly on serious matters. I have friends, people with whom I discuss matters of minimal consequence. Online contacts from my "real life" are generally of this sort. We communicate, but seldom about personal matters. From Discovery.com: In 1985, the average American claimed to have three close confidants (which could have included spouses or family members, in addition to friends), but by 2004, the average American had only two close confidants. One in four people reported having no one to talk to at all. This isn't an "autism" or "introvert" or "gifted" issue. This is a social crisis much larger than any labels could explain. Most of us don't ha...

In a post that was a private reflection, moved off the main page, I mentioned "the mediocre people." I've been pondering this concept and believe it needs some clarification that might be of interest to most of my readers. The Mediocre are not defined by their education levels, incomes, faiths, political beliefs, genders, races, or any number of other categories. Oxford American Dictionary : 1. of only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate. 2. rather poor or inferior. Merriam-Webster : moderate or low, poor quality. Of a poor to middling character. What is "poor character" to me? It means you are not a role model. It means you aren't one of the good or great people. Maybe The Mediocre don't try. Maybe they don't care. But they are what they are. Most of the good and great people I know are from humble backgrounds. They are farmers, nurses, librarians, police officers, farm workers, mechanics, and many other profess...

The last book excerpt I'll be posting from A Spectrum of Relationships . The free edition will be online soon. Friendships In many ways, our friends help define us to ourselves and others. By recognizing the people we want to spend time with and upon whom we rely for emotional support, we also recognize traits we like and want to emulate. According to psychologists, these “reflective” relationships are necessary to develop the “self” into maturity. Truly deep and meaningful friendships are rare for everyone, with some surveys suggesting most Americans have only three or four close friends. However, having a few quality friendships is all we need; numbers do not trump quality.  Allow me to recognize a difficult reality faced by parents, caregivers, and educators: many individuals with autism do not form close friendships during their lifetimes. Autism impairs the ability to form one-on-one relationships, necessarily affecting friendships. Some adults with ASDs have told me they h...

I have reworked the introduction to the section in A Spectrum of Relationships dealing with peers and colleagues. I hope this introduction is better. I'm not going to repost the entire chapter at this time, only the introduction. Colleagues and Peers For some people with autism spectrum disorders, colleagues and peers are the closest non-familial relationships in their lives. Autistic individuals with occupational or academic success often find their success because of an ability to hyper-focus on a topic or skill of special interest. This focus is one aspect of “autistic perseveration,” a near-obsessive interest in an object, concept, topic, or activity. The reason I chose to discuss peers and colleagues in the same section is simple: workplaces aren’t that different from school — especially high school. Schools and businesses are social settings and our peers and colleagues cannot help but form opinions of us. Because they come into constant contact with us, our peers and collea...

More from the draft of A Spectrum of Relationships . Collegial Cooperation Some of us want our colleagues to become our friends, while some people are more comfortable keeping work relationships distinctly professional. Whether you want to create a social network or a professional network of colleagues, you do have to master cooperating with colleagues. Building a network can be a challenge for autistic individuals, but technology is making this a bit easier.  My suggestion for autistic employees — and all employees — is to be available when colleagues have questions. The more willing you are to share information, the more likely coworkers will help you when you have a question or need assistance. An autistic person doesn’t need to be the most socially skilled employee to build a good network of colleagues. What matters in business, especially technical fields, is how well you share knowledge.  When I share information, I always try to pass along where the answer could be fou...

The workplace can be a social minefield. Building Collegial Relationships Colleagues tend to come later in life, when we have professional careers or volunteer to work for organizations. However, colleagues are similar enough to peers that I am discussing the two together. Colleagues range from those with whom we work daily to those we might consider more similar to acquaintances. Because today’s workplaces often require us to shift from team to team, or from one location to another, it is always best to consider the possibility that any colleague can become a close coworker. I’ve met successful people with ASDs who accomplish great things and do so without any impulse to impress colleagues or develop social connections. Colleagues respect these individuals, I hope, though it can be difficult for me or other autistics to determine how much we are respected by coworkers. My colleagues at the universities and colleges where I have taught can be divided into close and distant colleagues. ...

More of the draft text I am composing. As always, comments are appreciated. Colleagues and Peers For some people with autism spectrum disorders, colleagues and peers are the closest non-familial relationships in their lives. Autistic individuals with occupational or academic success often find their success because of an ability to hyper-focus on a topic or skill of special interest. This focus is one aspect of “autistic perseveration,” a near-obsessive interest in an object, concept, topic, or activity.  I’ve read various definitions of “colleague” and “peer,” so it might be useful to clarify the terms as I am using them in this text. I use “colleague” as a broad synonym for coworker. When I use “peer” I am referring to someone of similar age and background as the subject. As a university instructor, all the employees of the university were my colleagues and deserving of respect. However, my “peers” at the university were the doctoral students and the junior members of the facult...

Sure, it is a play on the "puzzle" of autism — because I believe relationships are a puzzle for almost every person. More from the eBook I am preparing for release later this month. Relationship Circles We often hear about “circles of friends” and our “social circles.” These are references to the numbers of people we consider to be within particular relationship categories. The smallest “circle” is that of lovers: usually two people. Even that smallest of circles changes, as partners enter and leave our lives. The largest, and most fluid circle, contains the strangers we encounter on any given day. Most of our relationships begin in the outer circle. We meet a stranger and that person becomes an acquaintance over time. If we work closely with that person, he or she might become a colleague or peer. Eventually, we somehow sort through our peers and choose friends — or they choose us. I consider my wife to be my best friend, but I knew her first as schoolmate (not even a clas...

Yes, yet another book excerpt. These two sections deal with "situational" communication and active listening. These are short excerpts, with signifiant content already in the full book chapter. I want to thank my cousin Jeanne and several other experts for helping with these sections. Jeanne has a master's degree in speech pathology and education. It's great to have so many people helping me with this project. Situational Greetings and Partings A student told me that his “great date” never returned his call. He did everything right. I asked how the date ended. “I shook her hand and thanked Ms. Great for the opportunity to share an afternoon with her.” Even I knew the problem: situational greetings and partings. I asked the student, who complained that several great dates hadn’t progressed to a second or third, if he always shook hands and used formal surname addresses upon parting. “Yes. I want to be polite, don’t I?”  The logic is sound, but out of place. I wasn’t ...