The Autistic Me

Now, for some paradoxes about where we choose to live. Greater Pittsburgh, as a community, has proved to be a great place for my wife and me. The region, which includes parts of West Virginia and Ohio, offers excellent opportunities for people like us. But, those opportunities come with a cost. Before reviewing the toll I pay for working in Pittsburgh, I wish to list the amazing benefits of the Steel City: I teach at a top-ranked research university, among the best in the world; My plays have received public readings (and, soon, stagings) by some of the most supportive actors, directors, and crews possible; I can walk large sections of the city, after I find parking, avoiding mass transit; and My office is a short walk from one of the largest urban parks in America and the Phipps Conservatory. But, cities still exhaust me. As a result, I commute an hour or more each direction so we can live in the exurbs. People consider where we live to be "country" though I co...

The brain is amazing. It's both fragile and resilient. While researching written language and autism for my doctoral degree, I learned a small fraction of what scientists now understand regarding language cognition. The question I had, and one many others have, is why some autistics are good at written or symbolic language communication, but have either limited verbal abilities or are non-verbal? How can someone write and not speak? Why would someone prefer sign language or pictographs to speaking, especially if he or she can speak? The simplified answer: language is not one thing. Language that is seen is not the same as language that is spoken and heard. Symbolic language and auditory language differ. Braille involves yet another form of language cognition. Somehow, our brains manage to connect and decipher several different "languages" we experience. Most people can "read" postures, expressions, icons, symbols, colors, sounds, gestures, vocal tones, spo...

Yet more book passages on autism and relationships. Thanks to all the readers so far! Tolerances When someone declares, “I can’t tolerate that person!” the speaker probably means that literally in some way. Yes, we really do have “tolerances” and those affect our relationships. When people discusses their tolerances, most are referring to their emotional abilities to tolerate others. However, emotional tolerances are only a part of limits on a relationship. • Tolerances describe our physical, emotional, and neurological limitations • Ranges of tolerance vary by individual, though some with ASDs are extremely sensitive • Composing a list of tolerances can improve self-awareness of social limitations • Friends and family often know tolerances better than the individual with an ASD All of us have physical, emotional, and neurological limitations. Some of us can tolerate extreme cold, others can tolerate extreme heat. Some of us are emotionally equipped to work in emergency rooms or d...

It is now 10:30 p.m., a bit more than 24 hours from the start of the Christian Kane ( http://www.christiankane.com/ ) concert my wife and I attended Friday night. Kane's music is Southern rock, often with a harder edge. I like "The House Rules" (album and single), though country music is a fraction of my CD collection. Side note: I still prefer to own CDs and then import at a high bit-rate for iTunes. Also, I still use my CD players for classical and jazz and there is a noticeable difference. I did well, all things considered, and we did remain through the entire concert. When I was an undergraduate, many years ago, I went to several concerts and regularly went to Los Angeles clubs to listen to music. Because I like jazz and "American standards" (think Sinatra), the places I like most are nothing like country bars. My ears are still ringing, slightly and my legs are sore. But, I did okay. In fact, I think I did better with the music volume than my wife. The wors...

In a recent post on the holidays, I mentioned that gatherings of people are often too intense and too stressful for me. I avoid any social gatherings as often as possible, which has implications far beyond my family and holidays. Consider all the daily events that are really gatherings of people, social or not: 1) School classrooms It doesn't get any more over stimulating that most classrooms. The K-6 classrooms are the worst for me, with their "neurological stimulation" of name tags, charts, maps, calendars, student art, and more. I felt overwhelmed as a student and I still feel overwhelmed when I enter these rooms as an educator or consultant. Now, add the students. What was already an overwhelming space can become a nightmare. I've substituted in K-6 classrooms, which seemed to go well enough, but I was ready to collapse at the end of each day. Young children are... well... children. One or two is okay. Twenty? You can't possibly keep them organized, on...

When I am anxious, there are a few things that sometimes help decompress. These things do not work always, but most of the time they do. Because I don't like street noises, which are particularly painful, I seek out isolated park-like areas when I am not home. In Dallas earlier this year, I found several amazing park-like settings, include an enclosed mall with a duck pond and sculpture garden. Parks, arboretums, and gardens are followed closely by museums and galleries. The worst places for me are urban downtown areas. Even the park areas are often too close to the buildings and streets. If I am at home, I turn to cartoons and family entertainment, from Disney to Warner Brothers. I love films with a family pulling together in the end. How can you feel bad after a Pixar movie? Friends and family always win the day in a good movie. I do seal the windows, close the curtains, and drink herbal teas when I am at home and anxious. I do not want to think about where we live, which is much...

My wife and I went to the Minnesota State Fair last Thursday. There were, according to the news, 179,000 people there on opening day. I hate crowds and noise, but did okay at the fair. One reason is I knew exactly what I wanted to see, where those things were, and where the fair was least crowded. It helps to have a plan. My priority was the animals. I love the small mammals: rabbits, hares, and other little creatures. I always loved wandering the 4H and FFA displays back in Central California, too. There's something wonderful about animals. Plus, people are busy doing other things at an urban fair, so the livestock areas are a good place to be. I guess people here care more about the rides and food, but I think fairs should be a celebration of the farm life. The only problems I had were in the art exhibits. The people smelled bad, which sounds funny after wandering livestock areas. Too many people here smoke. How much do you have to smoke to smell like ashtrays? Apparently smoking...

When stressed, I experience an intense desire to flee — to get away from whatever situation is causing the stress. I've left restaurants without ordering, stores without buying items, and even medical appointments when the situation didn't feel right. About the only thing I can't recall leaving suddenly was my classroom when teaching. The good thing about teaching is that you can stop lecturing and alter an assignment to adjust the mood of the room. Next to leaving, establishing some personal control seems to be the best way to reduce stress. The most stressful moments are those of individual conflict. When I feel threatened or dominated by someone, I do have to leave. I feel physically ill when someone is imposing his or her will on me without listening to or caring about the results. Some people are intimidating by nature. I suppose there are "natural" bullies, people who expect to be in charge at all times. These people aren't inclined to let each person in...

It has been three days since I attended an academic conference. I only attended one of the two days, knowing I was not doing well physically. I'm still "shaky" -- the best adjective I can conjure at the moment. It is like my senses are turned up a notch even more than usual. My assumption is that when I am tired I cannot block the input. The refrigerator, the ceiling fan, even the buzzing of lights are distracting me. I was listening to music to block out everything else. Today was going to be a day out of the house, to sit and write at a bookstore. Instead, I'm too tense to drive. Every pothole would be annoying, not to mention the struggle I have driving in our neighborhood anyway. The bookstore, with the people and associated input, would have been miserable. I hate being tense like this. Three days of wanting to hide under covers and avoid the world. Tomorrow I have to teach and Wednesday I'm heading to an audio store to replace my Jeep's radio and two spe...

The "look at me" approach to reading humans is painful, literally, for me -- and I know I am not alone. Considering many cultures dissuade direct eye contact, it must be assumed individuals in those cultures concentrate on intonation, gesture, and other non-verbal signals. Even personal space varies culture to culture, so the signals are not universal. When I discuss this with other adults, including the non-verbal (which I am only under stress), it seems many of us focus on the mouth to compensate for "hearing too much" background noise and distractions. If I'm in a public space, I have to concentrate on the mouth to make sense of the spoken words even though I have excellent hearing. I simply end up confusing conversations around me with what is being said in front of me. I end up finding myself reading journal articles and wondering why the conclusions of other researchers is often so far from my experiences and those of others I know. I often think at least ...

Last night I attended a baseball game at the Metrodome. I was fine with the noise inside the stadium, which is incredibly loud. I bought food (diet soda, two kosher dogs) before the game and never left my seat. I enjoy baseball, and was able to focus on the action. When people were playing with beach balls and tossing paper airplanes, I kept my focus on the field. For some reason, it offends me that people would pay to attend a game and then not watch — or even make it harder for others to watch. Ignoring the people though is better than what one moron did: he proceeded to get into a fight over the silly beach balls. Watching the game was good, despite the distractions. It's less annoying to have people act up at a sporting event that during a movie! What bothered me was leaving. The crush of the crowd, the smell of smoke (lots and lots of smokers), the traffic, and everything else makes me tense and nervous. I would prefer to wait a bit longer and let the crowds pass me...

I have discovered that I like bowling. I bowl alone on Tuesdays, after teaching. It isn't that someone else can't join me, but I go bowling in the student center with or without anyone else. Bowling allows me to concentrate on something "meaningless." It's like meditating. I think I like darts for the same reason. (I cannot shoot pool, due to a bad arm, but I do try.) I like escaping... focusing on something that isn't career based. There's no horrible result if I miss a pin. What about the noise? I know I hate bowling alleys when they are crowded and noisy. But the student center is quiet. It's me, a TV with CNN or ESPN, and the alley. In fact, not one of the other seven alleys was being used. It's great. I'd like my own shoes and bowling ball. It's amazing that I can use something so public. I admit to scrubbing my hands after bowling. I convince myself to worry only about the actual bowling and nothing else. Curiously, it remi...

I walked out of a class tonight, angry and frustrated. There is a great deal I could write about how I feel and what annoyed me, but the essential information is that there is a limit to the stresses I can tolerate. Even though I speak on surviving college, the reality is that I still am not equipped to handle some events — or some personalities. The classroom is of a miserable, hyperactive, media-saturated design with six flat-panel video screens, two LCD projection units, and an unrelenting buzzing from strangely flickering fluorescent lights. (The buzzing is amplified via metal reflectors of some manner.) The entire room buzzed, vibrates, and leaves me shaking in agony. Even after leaving the room, a persistent, high-pitched tone did not leave me until well after midnight. I was physically shaking, near tears, and wanted nothing more than to have silence. Real silence. But just try explaining such an overload to anyone who does not experience literal pain in some settings. So...

Before school started, my wife and I purchased a bright yellow 49cc scooter that qualifies as a "moped" in Minnesota. This has a number of benefits, not the least of which is that you can park a moped in a bike rack legally, while a motorcycle must park in a designated space or among cars. Why the exact same size 125cc cycle can't park in the same places as our scooter escapes me, but that's an issue for elected officials. The first day I tried to ride the scooter to school was a disaster. It kept dying along the way and eventually I called for help. The stress increased after we drove to a suburb, bought a trailer-hitch tow kit, and the scooter was too big for the tow platform. Calling the motorcycle dealership resulted in a towing company taking the scooter back to the shop for a few days. The fuel filter was replaced and the scooter was overhauled. When it was delivered for the second time, everything was much better, though not perfect. Unfortunately, ...

Having recently moved into our new house, I am finding it as overwhelming as anyone else might. Yet the things that bother me most are probably not the things that would worry most people. 1) Sounds . The house sounds different. The new new ceiling fan buzzes, lights in the basement hum, and the air conditioning noises are new to me. Even the oven's "pops and snaps" as it heats are different. 2) Smells . I know it might seem strange, but I notice the new smells. The main bathroom still smells of sealant and silicone caulking. The over even has a scent, which I can't explain. 3) Vibrations . The floor vibrates lightly when the air is running or when a jet passes overhead. The triple-pane windows block the sounds outside, but not the vibrations. 4) Light . We lack curtains, so too much light enters the house at times. I prefer things a bit dim. Sure, I can't wait for the house to be more organized. I want my bookcases in order so I can find books when I want. The ki...

I hate road noise. I hate it a lot. It hurts my ears, vibrates my entire body, and makes me want to hide in a cave. I could hear the traffic noise in our previous apartment. I'd do what I could to close windows or hide in my bedroom. A busy road is a nightmare, worse than having a neighbor's radio stuck on the all polka station — at full volume. So, what happens when you have a flat tire on a city highway? You're stuck doing your best to change tires feet from traffic. The noise is louder, the smells worse, and the vibrations dig deeper into your core. Ribs, teeth, and even fingernails seem to shake. At least the tire was changed quickly enough. But it definitely ruined my ability to think or work for a few hours.

I don't sleep well at night. I end up sitting in front of the TV, reading, or writing until I'm too exhausted to keep my eyes open... but I never seem to just go to bed and sleep like I think other people must do. My wife goes to bed and is asleep within minutes of 10:00. It is 1:37 at the moment, and I'm writing this, surfing the Web, playing chess, anything to get tired and fall asleep. I've even taken Tylenol PM on more than one occasion merely to sleep for more than a few hours. During the day, I can sleep. I shut down and sleep to hide from light, noise, and stress. I burrow under my covers, hide my eyes from any light, and sleep. Why can't I do that at night? Being tired all the time is miserable. It makes it difficult to concentrate. I feel like I'm moving in slow motion, and certainly thinking in slow motion! Could being sleepy all the time be why I never get the things done I want to finish? Or is there no connection to my productivity and ...