The Autistic Me

Last week my grandfather was abruptly hospitalized. He died Wednesday night, at the age of 93. I haven't processed this loss, in part because we now live so far away that I haven't seen family in a few years. Moving was a good thing  for us, but it does weaken links to family and friends left behind. I don't want to post much about my grandfather. He was good man and I couldn't write anything adequate. He was the quiet calm in my father's family. Loyal, honest, and caring. Nothing meant more to him than family — and you didn't need to be related by blood to be in his family. It has been an exhausting few weeks and a tiring year. I'm sorry that I haven't been able to keep the blogs updated. This year, we've experienced a few difficult moments. My wife had her first-ever minor surgeries (plural, because we never do anything half-way), our little Muttly died of cancer (third cat to die of cancer in the two years we've lived here), I switc...

There was simply too much change in the last two years, and lots of stress. I changed jobs — and am on the job market again. We moved — twice. We lost our dear friends J.C. Kitty and Mimi, each passing while we were moving, not even a full year apart. We dealt with flooding and lots of tree branches. My health was its usual adventure, which added to my exhaustion and stress. Finally, as 2012 nears an end, things are starting to feel a bit more organized and sane. Even looking for a new job is less stressful than the first post-graduate hunt because I know we are staying in our new house, in a little Western Pennsylvania township I like a lot. It's a nice place to live, reminding me of the foothills back in Central California — except these hills are green! It appears my wife and I will be able to sell our first Pennsylvania house thanks to a decent market here. If the house sells before Christmas, as seems likely, it will be a huge relief to us. Moving was stressful enough,...

Cats, I am told, are like two-year-old children. Last night was one of those long nights with one sick and one demanding kid, then. My wife is visiting family in California and I am ill-equipped at the moment to deal with extra stress. I believe it is because the start of this school year is reminding me of last year — so I am already anxious. I did okay last summer because I was focused on the new job and things hadn't yet started to spiral out of control. Then, J.C. Kitty passed away, the house flooded, and my workplace became more complex than I could anticipate. Add to that a string of health issues and my ability to manage alone withered away under stress. A few months into the school year and I needed extra help managing the household. Last night, about 11 p.m., Mutt was sick. Very sick. He needed a bath, the bed comforter had to be changed… and then he was sick again. Another bath. At the same time, his brother Alex was demanding food, but finding none of the cho...

I have minor surgery on Monday to address a problem that has been recurring for several years. A few years ago, the problem made Christmas a bit complicated — I was planning to get my wife a gift and ended up in the hospital that day. This year, I'll be having surgery the day before a guest arrives to stay with us for a few days. My wife and I need things to settle down for a few weeks so we can gather ourselves and relax. Neither of us has a "laid back" personality. We are both perfectionists. We both feel like we are always falling behind, even while we finish tasks ahead of colleagues. Being a perfectionist is hard work and emotionally draining. Surgery comes right as I'm dealing with some issues at work. It also comes as we are trying to fix up our existing house enough to put it on the market next summer. There always seems to be more to do than is possible, but that's because we think of everything as important. I want the classes I teach to be "p...

We will be moving again in April, if things go according to plan. This will be our fourth move in the last five to six years. That might not sound like a lot of moving, but moving is stressful for everyone and extra stressful for two people with a need for order and routines. Moving is a lousy experience. Things get damaged, misplaced, and general disorder reigns. We lost four desks in moves, including two I really liked. We were never compensated for those loses, either, with bothers me. I end up attached to desks (and other things). Desks are where we work. I write at my desks and they become part of my routine. I still have the desk my family purchased for me in high school (if not earlier — I cannot recall). After we move, I do plan to replace both my computer and writing desks with a single desk. Sure, it won't be perfect, but I want to consolidate my work area. Plus, I want space for a scanner and other things I use frequently. (I like to scan books and documents for the ...

I've managed pretty well on my own for the last few months, with some complications, but last night was too much for any one person. For the third time, our basement area took on water. The first two were bad enough, but this was the result of a flash flood, with more than two inches of rain an hour. This morning, you can see the "water line" of debris around the lower level of the house, ranging from four to ten inches. It might be a bit deeper in other spots, but I wasn't going to measure with a ruler. I spent the entire night using a wet/dry shop vac to remove water from the semi-finished living area of the basement. That's where we have stored boxes of our belongings and large items — like a computer, an entertainment center, my CD/DVD collections, etc. Plus, it is where my books and writings are. My writings include my journals from fourth grade until now. Photo albums, yearbooks, and holiday decorations are all in the basement. Our important documents, a...

One of the questions I am asked at conferences and presentations is how I "reset" from stress or a meltdown. Once my senses are overloaded by sounds, sights, smells, or other sensations, how do I regroup to work the next day? This question also applies to emotional overload — and having a pet going though some tough times is stressful lately. Here are my coping strategies, in no particular order: Get away from crowds and people. If I'm in a city, I need to head for a park or out of the city if possible. Cities by their natures have too many inputs. "Normal" people eventually treat the inputs like white noise, but my wife likes to say I have the senses of a hunting dog. I hear and smell everything. In Minneapolis, we'd head for the Landscape Arboretum. It is south of the city about 45 minutes. Sometimes there are a lot of people, but the park is large enough to avoid any crowds. Now that we live in a rural county, I like to sit on our front porch in the...

Everyone knows moving is a pain. For weeks before (and weeks after), disarray is the norm. We have boxes about the house, and we've barely started organizing for a long-distance move. In coming weeks, we need to donate, sell, and dispose of as much as we can without parting with anything we'd later miss. Of course, I'm the sort of person to miss anything we leave behind. Coordinating the move is practical logistics: events have to happen in near-perfect order. My wife and I over-plan, and yet we will both feel unprepared until the move is complete. We will worry about every detail between now and August. The cats hated today, which began with two workers installing five new interior doors. I disliked it, too, but it sure was fast and painless versus us doing the work. But, Pumpkin Kitty ("PK") was truly annoyed. I have the two puncture marks on my right hand (thankfully, the less-sensitive hand) where PK bit down and wouldn't let go. He is still hiding several...

Bullying is nothing new to me. Even as a second grade student I could tell you why I was a target for bullies. But, when I saw the headline "Predictors of Bullying of Autistic Children Identified," I found myself reading the story below on Medscape ( http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/743027 ). Maybe I was searching for a solution I know doesn't exist. Yes, I am cynical about human nature. (Read my previous post on lying and narcissism as they relate to popularity and power: Social Success and Narcissism ) My simple theory on bullying: people of all ages, young and old, test each other to determine the nature of the "competition" in a social group. We measure people, to locate the strongest and weakest in the group. Bullying is an extreme version of this social testing. Even those of us who want to believe we are exempt from such impulses rarely are. Every group has power rankings, the challenge is to see people beyond those social standings. Predictors of Bull...

In a recent post on the holidays, I mentioned that gatherings of people are often too intense and too stressful for me. I avoid any social gatherings as often as possible, which has implications far beyond my family and holidays. Consider all the daily events that are really gatherings of people, social or not: 1) School classrooms It doesn't get any more over stimulating that most classrooms. The K-6 classrooms are the worst for me, with their "neurological stimulation" of name tags, charts, maps, calendars, student art, and more. I felt overwhelmed as a student and I still feel overwhelmed when I enter these rooms as an educator or consultant. Now, add the students. What was already an overwhelming space can become a nightmare. I've substituted in K-6 classrooms, which seemed to go well enough, but I was ready to collapse at the end of each day. Young children are... well... children. One or two is okay. Twenty? You can't possibly keep them organized, on...

When I am anxious, there are a few things that sometimes help decompress. These things do not work always, but most of the time they do. Because I don't like street noises, which are particularly painful, I seek out isolated park-like areas when I am not home. In Dallas earlier this year, I found several amazing park-like settings, include an enclosed mall with a duck pond and sculpture garden. Parks, arboretums, and gardens are followed closely by museums and galleries. The worst places for me are urban downtown areas. Even the park areas are often too close to the buildings and streets. If I am at home, I turn to cartoons and family entertainment, from Disney to Warner Brothers. I love films with a family pulling together in the end. How can you feel bad after a Pixar movie? Friends and family always win the day in a good movie. I do seal the windows, close the curtains, and drink herbal teas when I am at home and anxious. I do not want to think about where we live, which is much...

We've had a number of stories lately on mothers killing autistic or possibly autistic children. Mother Posts Blog Blaming Stress Before Killing... Texas Mom Kills Children, Blames Autism Colorado Mom Wanted to Have 'Fun in Life' What can anyone say about this? Children are stressful, normal or not. Depression, stress, lack of supports, et cetera, are not excuses to kill. I do not doubt depression is real in some cases, but I do not tolerate any excuse for killing children. Even if we don't have perfect supports, there are supports in most cities and counties. Families also have a responsibility to intervene. It is impossible for me to imagine no one was aware problems were present before these children were killed. The association of autism with infanticide is a common theme in media. I won't bother listing examples.

When stressed, I experience an intense desire to flee — to get away from whatever situation is causing the stress. I've left restaurants without ordering, stores without buying items, and even medical appointments when the situation didn't feel right. About the only thing I can't recall leaving suddenly was my classroom when teaching. The good thing about teaching is that you can stop lecturing and alter an assignment to adjust the mood of the room. Next to leaving, establishing some personal control seems to be the best way to reduce stress. The most stressful moments are those of individual conflict. When I feel threatened or dominated by someone, I do have to leave. I feel physically ill when someone is imposing his or her will on me without listening to or caring about the results. Some people are intimidating by nature. I suppose there are "natural" bullies, people who expect to be in charge at all times. These people aren't inclined to let each person in...

Computers are the source of frustration for all of us at one time or another. Two nights ago, I lost a file with the outline of 50 pages I had read. I was using Windows, which was the problem — Windows can be a real nightmare when software misbehaves. (One program should never crash the entire system. I had a video driver fail for some reason.) Most people would be upset, maybe say some choice words, and get back to work. I sat on the floor, legs crossed, and rocked for nearly 20 minutes. I pounded my fists against my legs, unable to calm down and focus on the need to retype the file. I could have sat there, rocking, murmuring, and pounding on my legs for hours if it weren't for my wife's incredible calm and reassurance. She ended up retyping the notes, with me dictating what I had lost. Without her, I would not have the ability to function as a student and teacher. I know repetitive movements, including self-harm, is a part of autism. I don't have to like...