Struggling Along

Not even two months into the year and I am exhausted. I'm possibly the most exhausted I have been since moving to Minnesota. It is the mix of university nonsense, cold weather, aching body, renovation disorder, and so forth. When one of our "kids" became ill Monday night, it was one more thing on my mind. My kids are the closest friends I have, and I need friends right now.

The university nightmare continues. I never felt like I belonged here, so having issues with any faculty member only intensifies the alienation. It isn't that I want to be liked or want to be friends with anyone here — but I definitely do not want to be disliked. I have a lot of anger and disappointment as I feel the university hasn't been very accepting of me. I mainly want to be left alone, allowed to work.

Physically, I am shaking more often than I have in the past year. I shake violently at night, when I should be sleeping. I tremor and cramp, especially my right arm. The pain is excruciating. My stomach is also burning, with near constant heartburn and worse. I've been taking extra "acid reflux" OTC medications. As the headaches have started to return, I know my concentration is affected.

I want to sleep for a few days. I really want some time away from the university, the weather, and this place in general. For the rest of my life, I know that Minnesota will represent the things I dislike. I will always associate this place with increased pain and emotional exhaustion. I cannot wait to leave as soon as possible.

As my wife has commented, this would have been less miserable if people would have been more understanding. Too bad I had no idea it was a bad idea to move here. Now, I have to make this work. Somehow. I have to be strong enough to make this choice work, despite the physical cost it now presents.


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