A Bad Day

Saturday was a bad day. That should be read in a deep voice by James Earl Jones for effect. It was that kind of bad day.

For much of the summer I have had horrible headaches. These are definitely migraines, as my vision is as if the brightness were set to maximum, with no contrast. They have increased in severity over time, seeming to correlate to any physical pain. The more I hurt, the more likely to have one of these strange headaches.

Being at home, when the headaches reach the peak of my tolerance I have the option of resting. If I fall asleep for a few minutes on the couch or sitting on my bed, no one is going to complain.

As a news junkie, I'll be the first to admit that the cable news is repetitive and probably does put people to sleep.

At least that was my logic until today. Now, I'm not sure sure I'm simply "falling asleep" when I have the headaches. Maybe I was just tired. In the afternoons, "Closing Bell" started seem strange. The final hour of trading was going by very quickly. "The Situation Room" on CNN was a blurr, too. I'd hear "This is The Situation Room. I'm Wolf Blitzer" and the next moment it was Jack Cafferty reading mail from viewers.

Saturday, though, is forcing me to reconsider the "exhaustion" narrative. After all, I just sit and type or dictate all day. I'm not doing anything that should leave me this tired.

We went for a drive in Wisconsin because I needed a break from the house, the city, and working on projects. The state park was only 45 minutes from our house.

I was in pain for most of the walk up to the water fall in the park. My right ankle is very sensitive right now, having fallen (again) down the basement stairs. My head was throbbing by the time we reached the top of the outlook perch. Sitting there on a park bench, my head
started to hurt more and more. My heart felt like it was "wobbling" in my chest. My visions started to get "whiter and whiter" (lacking a better description) until I just don't remember anything.

So, when I get headaches and lose time, there is something very wrong happening.

My wife says to took a bottle of water and tried to drink it, but I passed out. I dropped the water and slumped over, according to her. I don't recall. I barely remember trying to put my shirt on — which I don't recall removing — so we could hike back to the car.

While I was unconscious, apparently my arm shook a little but I did not have a violent seizure. It was more like fainting. Time simply vanishes from my mind, so I cannot say what happened. What if my wife hadn't been there? That's a serious question.

The only conclusion I can draw is that I am having seizures again. They've never been able to pinpoint the seizures or explain them to my satisfaction. Do the migraines signal or cause the seizures? Why do I lose only a few minutes?

Knowing that I have probably been having seizures, not falling asleep, only makes me more worried about what my mind must be doing. Luckily, I know when I am in physical trouble. If I feel pressure behind my eyes, time to sit down. If I hear high-pitched tones, time to sit down. If I can't hold a pencil steady... seriously time to sit down and stop working.

I would not drive with a migraine and I certainly would never, for any reason, get on the scooter if I didn't fell okay. The risks to me and others are not worth it. Plus, I am tense when I have a headache.

Back to a higher dosage of Neurontin.

The idea of passing out only to be found hours later bothers me a lot. A family event has made this fear even more acute.

What bothers me more though is the feeling that my wife is stuck dealing with my mind and body. It seems terrible to expect so much of her at times. She does more for me than I will ever deserve.