Skip to main content

Long Weekends

Some weekends are long, even when they technically aren't that bad. They just seem to pass slowly, while I get nothing accomplished.

I don't know why I am so exhausted by the weekends, but I am. It's like "playing normal" drains me so much that I need to decompress and can't. I have to be "normal" around so many people lately, and I'm doing it so poorly, that I'm frustrated and exhausted.

There are signs of the exhaustion physically, too. I notice that as I type this, it is in sharp focus if I concentrate and stare, but the moment I relax even the slightest bit, the text blurs into a meaningless pattern of grey stripes on an off-white background. The situation with my back and shoulders is similar. If I focus, I can straighten and work past the pain, but the moment I relax, I slouch and feel the sharp needles that have been there all along.

I should have worked on several school-related projects this weekend, but was too tired to think clearly. I have the following tasks staring down at me:

  • Updating a Web site on computer security
  • Developing a series of class units on "old time radio" programs
  • Completing a write-up of a survey I conducted this summer
  • Compiling a bibliography for a writing course
  • Memorizing terminology for a statistics course
  • Updating my Web sites on writing and philosophy
  • Finishing a draft of my autobiography
    and on and on the list goes...

Of course, those are only the school tasks. The house has much to be done, especially if I want to be more comfortable. I can't even do a partial list online without consuming several pages. I keep thinking of new things every time I look about the house.

It's fair to say that I feel overwhelmed lately. Physically, things hurt — a lot — and that is not helping my clarity at all.

Without my wife, I wouldn't have managed to get anything done this weekend, yet again. She's that person who helps too much at times, which makes me feel guilty, but it also reminds me that I can and should sit down and get my act together. Why I lack internal motivation has never been clear to me. There's very little I want, other than a place to sit and write and read non-fiction. I'm not driven enough, and I know it. But she is my drive. I'm writing this long, rambling post with the list of to-do items staring back at me on the screen. I know reminding myself to tick off items for her, for the person to whom I owe everything, will get me working again... past the pain, past the input overloads, past the self-doubts.

But I wish I didn't lose weekends to the exhaustion.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Comments violating the policies of this blog will not be approved for posting. Language and content should be appropriate for all readers and maintain a polite tone. Thank you.

Popular posts from this blog

Autistic Burnout

Summer demands a lot of social energy, especially for parents. For autistics, the never-ending social calendar of summer can cause serious autistic burnout. Host C. S. Wyatt discusses his need to find a balance between social demands and self-care. Check out this episode!
Post a Comment
Read more

Autism, Asperger's, and IQ

"Aren't people with Asperger's more likely to be geniuses? Isn't genius related to autism?" A university student asked this in a course I am teaching. The class discussion was covering neurological differences, free will, and the nature versus nurture debate. The textbook for the course includes sidebars on the brain and behavior throughout chapters on ethics and morality. This student was asking a question reflecting media portrayals of autism spectrum disorders, social skills difficulties, and genius. I did not address this question from a personal perspective in class, but I have when speaking to groups of parents, educators, and caregivers. Some of the reasons these questions arise, as mentioned above, are media portrayals and news coverage of autism. Examples include: Television shows with gifted characters either identified with or assumed to have autistic traits: Alphas, Big Bang Theory, Bones, Rizzoli and Isles, Touch, and others. Some would include...
12 comments
Read more

Alex Plank and Jenny Palmiotto discuss "An Eventing with Ezra"

The film Ezra follows Max Bernal (Bobby Cannavale), a stand-up comedian living with his father (Robert De Niro), while struggling to co-parent his autistic son Ezra (introducing William Fitzgerald) with his ex-wife (Rose Byrne). Alex Plank, Associate Producer Alex Plank is a trailblazing autistic self-advocate and a pioneering leader in the autistic human rights. As an associate producer of the critically acclaimed movie 'Ezra,' Alex has made significant strides in both behind-the-scenes and on-camera roles. He is a champion of authentic and humanistic representation of autistic individuals in the film industry. With a deep commitment to challenging ableism, Alex advocates for a world where autistic people are valued and respected. This commitment extends to a broader condemnation of ableism in all its forms, with a specific focus on dismantling the barriers within the film industry that marginalize autistic talent and narratives. Jenny Palmiotto – Founder of Love & Aut...
Post a Comment
Read more