Skip to main content

Long Weekends

Some weekends are long, even when they technically aren't that bad. They just seem to pass slowly, while I get nothing accomplished.

I don't know why I am so exhausted by the weekends, but I am. It's like "playing normal" drains me so much that I need to decompress and can't. I have to be "normal" around so many people lately, and I'm doing it so poorly, that I'm frustrated and exhausted.

There are signs of the exhaustion physically, too. I notice that as I type this, it is in sharp focus if I concentrate and stare, but the moment I relax even the slightest bit, the text blurs into a meaningless pattern of grey stripes on an off-white background. The situation with my back and shoulders is similar. If I focus, I can straighten and work past the pain, but the moment I relax, I slouch and feel the sharp needles that have been there all along.

I should have worked on several school-related projects this weekend, but was too tired to think clearly. I have the following tasks staring down at me:

  • Updating a Web site on computer security
  • Developing a series of class units on "old time radio" programs
  • Completing a write-up of a survey I conducted this summer
  • Compiling a bibliography for a writing course
  • Memorizing terminology for a statistics course
  • Updating my Web sites on writing and philosophy
  • Finishing a draft of my autobiography
    and on and on the list goes...

Of course, those are only the school tasks. The house has much to be done, especially if I want to be more comfortable. I can't even do a partial list online without consuming several pages. I keep thinking of new things every time I look about the house.

It's fair to say that I feel overwhelmed lately. Physically, things hurt — a lot — and that is not helping my clarity at all.

Without my wife, I wouldn't have managed to get anything done this weekend, yet again. She's that person who helps too much at times, which makes me feel guilty, but it also reminds me that I can and should sit down and get my act together. Why I lack internal motivation has never been clear to me. There's very little I want, other than a place to sit and write and read non-fiction. I'm not driven enough, and I know it. But she is my drive. I'm writing this long, rambling post with the list of to-do items staring back at me on the screen. I know reminding myself to tick off items for her, for the person to whom I owe everything, will get me working again... past the pain, past the input overloads, past the self-doubts.

But I wish I didn't lose weekends to the exhaustion.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Autistic Burnout

Summer demands a lot of social energy, especially for parents. For autistics, the never-ending social calendar of summer can cause serious autistic burnout. Host C. S. Wyatt discusses his need to find a balance between social demands and self-care. Check out this episode!

Autism, Asperger's, and IQ

"Aren't people with Asperger's more likely to be geniuses? Isn't genius related to autism?" A university student asked this in a course I am teaching. The class discussion was covering neurological differences, free will, and the nature versus nurture debate. The textbook for the course includes sidebars on the brain and behavior throughout chapters on ethics and morality. This student was asking a question reflecting media portrayals of autism spectrum disorders, social skills difficulties, and genius. I did not address this question from a personal perspective in class, but I have when speaking to groups of parents, educators, and caregivers. Some of the reasons these questions arise, as mentioned above, are media portrayals and news coverage of autism. Examples include: Television shows with gifted characters either identified with or assumed to have autistic traits: Alphas, Big Bang Theory, Bones, Rizzoli and Isles, Touch, and others. Some would include

Free eBook on Autism and Relationships

This blog post is a bit unusual. I am testing to see if visitors can download a free eBook from this blog. I have linked to the file, which sits on our Web server. We have successfully tested the ePub edition of A Spectrum of Relationships . Only the abridged ePub edition is available for free at this time, not an Amazon Kindle edition, due to Amazon's policy requesting only full, commercial editions from small publishers. Until the text is revised and edited, I'm not comfortable publishing it formally. The commercial version will be released for the Amazon Kindle as well as other devices. In fact, it might be released first for the Kindle, if things go as planned. Downloading an ePub can be a challenge: some browsers try to open the file directly. To download the ePub, you might have to "right-click" and download the linked file. If you have the ePub extension installed, the FireFox browser will open the ePub correctly. A Spectrum of Relationships (ePub file) [