Sunday, September 12, 2010

Campus = Anxiety

I haven't felt well since Thursday, when I had to make a trip to the university campus. I dislike the university and everything it represents to me. The anxiety and stress of being on campus leave me unable to relax and think clearly for days at a time.

My physical and emotional response to campus are too much to handle. I lose days of productivity. The reaction I have to campus raises a number of questions about what I should do or can do in the future.

I know I have two more campus trips this year, at least. One for an eye appointment and one to speak to a class about writing. Neither trip will be easy and I anticipate losing two or three days after each trip to campus.

Also, this week we had to confront the reality of student loans. It's a lot of debt, for a degree that causes my stomach to knot and head to ache when I think about the university. The diploma itself is somewhere downstairs. I never want to see it again. The university was a lousy experience that I'll be paying for until I'm over 60. Seriously. That's sickening.

I tell myself that if I keep writing, I'll have sufficient success that I will be able to teach what I want, where I want. Getting out of here is essential to my well-being.

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